Monsters
by Macx
Summary: part of the Darkness Unleashed series. TatsumiWatari. The impossible happens and Tatsumi attacks and badly injures Watari in the worst possible way... but he can't remember a thing. Strong R-rating. Complete!
1. Default Chapter

TITLE: Monsters 

AUTHOR: Macx and Lara Bee

DISCLAIMER: not ours. Definitely not! We just play with them and hope we tread on no one's toes.

Author's Voice of Warning (aka Author's Note):  
English is not our first language; it's German. This is the best we can do. Any mistakes you find in here, collect them and you might win a prize g> The spell-checker said everything's okay, but you know how trustworthy those thingies are...

ARCHIVE: yes

WARNINGS: dark theme, namely rape- but LOTS of sap, too

TYPE: yaoi

**RATING: R. The story was re-edited to fit the R-rating of FFNet. The full version with the NC-17 parts will be up on our website after the completion of all chapters.**

PAIRING (S): Tatsumi/Watari  
Tsuzuki/Hisoka

FEEDBACK: empty inbox seeks emails g>

Shinigami were a source of legend and fairy tales. Human kind loved to hear about ghost stories, the myth and horror of those who became angels of death because they couldn't let go of their life, even in death. Lore told of gruesome beings, taking lives and souls, accompanying the lost and departed into the next world. They created an image of dark beings, without a sense of their former selves, serving the highest entity of the Land of the Dead, Enma-Daiou.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Watari Yutaka was a shinigami and had been for three decades now. A young man in his mid-twenties with long, blond hair, lively golden eyes and a smile for everyone, he was the exact opposite of the mythical shinigami humankind thought existed. Tall, slender and filled with such life, he could have been anything, and to the one renting the little treasure of an apartment to him, Watari was just another tenant. A bouncy tenant, but a tenant.

Who would have believed in shinigami renting their places to stay either? The truth was that shinigami worked for a living, so to speak. They were paid like everyone else, they had pay raises, they had days off, and they were classified as civil servants. It would have been amusing if anyone had ever truly guessed what kind of network existed behind the legend.

But as it was, no one knew except for the ones involved, and they were all dead.

Watari moved between his boxes, unpacking the things he had brought along when he had been forced to look for a new place. Shinigami didn't age, so staying in one place for a prolonged time, say... two decades, was bound to arouse suspicion. He didn't add a wrinkle or even a gray hair, so now and then each shinigami moved.

It was Watari's fourth move and the first one after getting together with Tatsumi. He had loved his old, airy apartment. It had been a lucky find, in the middle of the city, affordable, quite large, and very quiet. He had been sad to let it go, but he had found a wonderful replacement.

The new place was not as central as the last, but that didn't matter for his job. It was actually a remodeled roof apartment with access to a terrace that he planned to fill with plants and stuff to give it a nicer feel, and while it was smaller than the last, the terrace added space. It was about the same size as the apartment as such, so on sunny days he could feel free to be outside.

003 hooted softly from her perch on one of the empty shelves. Watari smiled at the little owl, which had expressed her satisfaction with the apartment already.

"Well, time to get going and clean up, hm?" he called cheerfully.

Another hoot and 003 flew over to one of the many boxes, nibbling at the cardboard.

"That one first?" He peered at the label. "Oh, yeah, the books. Okay, let's get going with the shelves then."

And Watari set to work.

It was how Tatsumi found him three hours later. The Shadow Master had been occupied with a meeting back in Meifu and it had gone a lot longer than expected. Bureaucratic matters always took longer than any crisis that could arise over lost souls and demonic activity. So finally everything had been postponed till Monday and he could pay his lover a visit, see if Watari needed help.

Looking at the chaos inside the new apartment, Watari did. Need help, that was.

Tatsumi let his gaze wander around the room, noting the already emptied boxes, those still piled up against a wall that needed emptying, and then came to rest on the slender man currently engaged in getting his kitchen into order. Blond hair bound back into a tight ponytail with only a few strands escaping to tickle his skin, dressed in faded, ripped in the right places' jeans and a black t-shirt, Watari looked downright sexy.

He looked edible!

Tatsumi reigned in his desire for the man, but it took an effort, especially when he caught sight of the tight jeans stretched over a firm behind.

Hell, he wasn't a teenager anymore!

Then again, considering his lack of partners up until now, his need for his partner might be explained. But that was only part of it. The other was the simple appreciation for this man, for the chances he had brought in the other man's life, and for the happiness he radiated.

Walking over to where Watari had just finished with the pots and pans, and was turning to getting the herbs, canned foods and dried goods sorted, Tatsumi announced his presence with a little cough.

Sparkling golden eyes met bright blue ones and Watari gave him his trademark happy smile, filled with a warmth and love directed only at one person.

"Seii! Already here?"

"It's past eight, 'Taka. I'm actually late."

Watari shrugged good-naturedly. "Who's counting the hours? You're here, which is what's important."

He took hold of the dark tie the older shinigami was wearing and pulled Tatsumi close, lips meeting.

Tatsumi again wondered how one person could be so completely at ease with everything around him. True, Watari was more than a happy-go-lucky person and he could be quite serious as well as dangerous if provoked or on a case, but his very nature was like that.

"I see you've been busy," Tatsumi remarked as he slipped out of his suit jacket and hung it over the back of a kitchen chair.

"Oh well, yes. Been trying as best as I could, but it's a lot. The shelves are done and I've moved the clothing boxes into the bedroom, but the kitchen is a mess."

"Want help?"

Tatsumi was already rolling up his sleeves.

Watari smiled. "Sure. But you can go and change first, you know. No need to get your suit all messed up."

"I'm not planning to wear it tomorrow or on Monday," Tatsumi only said and started with the canned and dried foods.

"Okay."

They worked easily together, chatting over this and that. Watari had gotten to know a few neighbors and Tatsumi was getting a detailed insight into each an every one of them, as well as heard the plans for tomorrow where Watari wanted to go and buy some large potted plants for the terrace with Tsuzuki.

"Tsuzuki?" Tatsumi asked as he closed the cupboard, pleased that it was now in order.

"Oh, yes. He planned the terrace, actually. You know he loves gardening. I asked him and he was really eager to help," came Watari's slightly muffled voice from within the pantry. "Want to come along?"

"No, you two go ahead. I'll just finish whatever needs finishing," he offered.

Watari grinned. "Okay."

In turn Tatsumi talked about his work day, which always helped to put things into perspective for him. Watari was a good listener and while he rarely was in the middle of the action, he had an innate understanding of office matters. Sometimes Tatsumi wondered why he still stayed in the lab and hadn't applied for an office. Then again, like Tsuzuki Watari was happy where he was. Changing his environment might not be the best of plans.

°

Tatsumi sat in one of the wicker chairs on the terrace, enjoying the fresh air which was surprisingly clear, devoid of the many pollution factors such a great city brought with it, and gazed into the darkening sky. The colors were spectacular, ranging from dark blue to violet and orange with reddish or golden yellow hues. A slight breeze was rustling through the tall plants that formed a tiny, private haven in the middle of this stone and steel city. Leaning back, closing his eyes, he simply let himself relax.

Tsuzuki really had a knack for gardening and landscaping, he mused. The garden looked wonderful and it smelled fresh and green.

Soft steps announced the arrival of his host, the creator of this incredible rooftop getaway, and he cracked one blue eye open. Watari smiled as he held out a hand, which was offering a can of beer to him. Tatsumi smiled in return and took it.

"Thanks," he said quietly.

Watari nodded and took the second chair, sighing with contentment. There was a soft hooting and 003 landed in one of the plants, looking decidedly pleased. The owl was enjoying the greenery just as much as the two shinigami.

As the sky darkened more, lights went on around them in the many houses and on the streets. Tatsumi just watched the spectacle of the hundreds of lights, signs of human life, and drank his beer. His eyes kept drifting to the blond at his side, noting the relaxed way he lounged in his chair, hair bound back and revealing the handsome face. Watari was wearing one of his favorite shirts, with a wide open neck, showing skin that tempted Tatsumi to kiss and nibble at it.

He finally rose to deposit his can in the small receptacle that had been placed next to a plant, then leaned over and gave in to his desire.

Watari gave a soft sigh as the Shadow Master placed kisses along his exposed neck, down to the shoulder, nibbling at the collar bone. One hand came up and lodged at the back of his neck.

"Hm, hungry?" he teased.

"Ravenous," Tatsumi replied.

"I've got some cold fried noodles," was the offer.

Tatsumi grunted and lightly bit at the soft skin he was caressing. Watari yelped and laughed.

"Okay, no noodles," he chuckled. "How about..."

"You," the Shadow Master rumbled.

"Then there's that..."

Another bite was delivered, this one gentle and tender, not even leaving a mark. Watari moaned a little, his fingers carding into Tatsumi's longish strands.

"We still need to give this place a proper home warming party," he told his blond lover.

"I concur," was the breathless reply.

"Alone," Tatsumi added, already reading the teasing light in the semi-open eyes correctly.

Watari pretended to pout, but he didn't protest. Their lips finally met in a slow, sensual kiss. It was a bit awkward at first, kissing his lover the other way around, but with some soft chuckling they both managed.

The blond finally rose, stepping into his taller lover's arms, the next kiss far more like they were used to kissing, and the action soon moved them inside into the bedroom where still a few boxes were waiting to be unpacked. Neither man cared, actually.

Outside, in one of the trees on the terrace, 003 hooted softly and preened her feathers. The little owl listened to the sounds of the night for a while, large yellow eyes seeing perfectly in the near-darkness, then it took flight to go and have a look around the new place. It knew that its friend and his partner would be busy for a while.

tbc...


	2. part 2

The lab was sparkling clean. Every surface had been wiped down and clutter had been removed. The shelves were in perfect order, as were all cupboards and other storage facilities. The computer screen was free of dust, the keyboard looked like new, and all CDs had been labeled and stacked in clear order, precise and by numbers. The old potted plants had either been thrown away because they had died a long time ago, or moved to a sunnier place. The sunscreen of the window was pulled partially down and the windows behind it were squeaky clean. Everything looked like new. 

Watari smiled widely as he took in his lab, proud like a new parent. He pushed a stubborn strand of hair out of his face, smearing dirt into the blond mane in the process. He looked as dirty as the lab had been, but he didn't care. He was simply proud.

Glancing at a box that contained an assortment of odd things, he walked over and went through them. There were flasks, boxes and containers ranging from small to medium-sized. All unlabeled. He had absolutely no idea what was in those containers, but he would find out.

An hour later he had two neat stacks. One was made up of tea and instant coffee of all flavors, the rest of Things To Be Tested. Those he couldn't identify by smell or taste alone.

Something fluttered and a tiny owl landed on the unlabeled containers, hooting softly. Large, orange eyes looked critically at him.

"Yeah, I know, I'm dirty," Watari laughed. "I'll take a shower later. First, let's have some tea." He rummaged through the newly found tea boxes. "This looks good. How about 'Green Surprise', hm, 003?"

The owl hooted again, shuffling over to peek at the box.

Watari heated some water and poured it over a tea egg that he had filled with the Green Surprise tea. The door to the lab opened and he looked up, smiling at his visitor.

"Hello, Tatsumi."

Tatsumi stopped in the doorway, eyes widening behind his glasses, and he was close to gaping.

"What happened here?" he blurted.

Watari's smile grew. "I cleaned. Looks great, hm?"

"What bit you to clean your lab?"

"You make it sound like I'm a slob," the blond muttered with a mock pout.

"I wouldn't call you a slob, just a bit... chaotic."

"All geniuses are chaotic," Watari explained, grinning. "A genius is the master of chaos."

"I see. So... you cleaned up why?"

"I felt like it."

"Ah."

Watari shuffled a little and coughed under the blue gaze that seemed to penetrate his mind. "I...errr... couldn't find something, so... I decided, well... I cleaned up."

"Master of chaos, hm?" came the mild taunt.

Watari refrained from sticking out his tongue. He just grimaced. "So... why are you here?"

"I passed by outside," was the vague answer.

Watari smirked. "Uh-huh."

It wasn't like his lab was the center of everything. He was slightly out of the way. So for Tatsumi to pass by, he must have planned to come here.

He walked over to the other shikigami and leaned forward, golden eyes sparkling. "I like visitors," he purred and placed a gentle kiss on Tatsumi's lips.

The kiss was answered and he closed the last distance, both men melting together in a tender display of affection.

"I thought we wouldn't do something like this at work," Watari murmured. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you..."

"You never do."

He grinned. "Nope."

Tatsumi stepped back and looked around, smiling. "Looks nice. Everything does." His eyes were on Watari again.

The blond had the decency to blush a little.

Tatsumi caught sight of the steaming mug and picked it up, sniffing at it. "New tea?"

"No idea. I found it among the clutter. I'm still trying to ID most of the stuff, but we have some very nice tea and coffee additions now."

Tatsumi tried the tea and his eyebrows rose. "Tastes good. Lemony."

Watari wasn't put out by his lover's choice of drinking his tea. He had more of it and Tatsumi was such a workaholic that having him here, sharing his tea, was a wonderful occasion.

"You working late?" he teased as Tatsumi savored the tea.

"I wasn't planning to."

"Dinner?" Watari wanted to know, putting a hopeful note into his tone.

Tatsumi chuckled. "Who's cooking?"

"Well, I was thinking along the lines of going out... I know this fabulous little place in Nagasaki..."

The Shadow Master smiled more. "Your treat."

Watari beamed. "Eight?"

"I'll pick you up."

It was what he loved about Tatsumi, Watari thought. That and so much more. Despite being a work animal, someone who usually didn't leave the office before eight, he was flexible. He could be very flexible, part of him reminded the blond. Oh yeah...

Heat coiled in his stomach and anticipation rose. He wanted more than dinner, but food was a good entrée.

Smiling at his lover, he grabbed the tie and pulled the man close, kissing him soundly. "Eight it is. Now, shoo! I need to work or the boss will reprimand me."

Blue eyes smiled at him even as the face was set into familiar, stern lines. Tatsumi left the lab, mug still in hand, and Watari turned to look over his little kingdom. He still had a few things to test and label, so he better got to it. He had a date to keep.

° ° °

It was an hour after Tatsumi had left that the door to the lab opened again and Watari found himself facing the man he had a date with for tonight. A visit twice in one day? Now that was a first. So this was either something official or... or...

He frowned.

He could only think of official reasons.

"Tatsumi, what...?"

He was cut off by a mouth crushing down on his, by a tall, muscular body pushing him back against the lab table, hands roaming over his body. Watari gasped, which gave the invader a good chance to enter his mouth, and he groaned into the rough, wild kiss.

Blue eyes burned with emotions, flaring behind the thin glasses. Watari was pushed onto the table and he fell back, wide-eyed. He had never seen Tatsumi like this... this intense, this...

By the powers, he groaned to himself as those hands began to get rid of his clothes. Skin was exposed, stroked, caressed, kissed and lightly bitten. A harder bite was delivered to his neck and he whimpered as the sensation went straight to his groin.

"Seii..."

He didn't know what had triggered this. He had never experienced this side of his usually so controlled lover, someone who wouldn't let go of this control outside the bedroom or anywhere else that was completely private.

Okay, so it had been his secret fantasy to have wild, unrestrained sex with the man in his lab, but hell, how had Tatsumi known? Something else, a fleeting feeling of uneasiness, something like a dark foreboding, raised its ugly head, but Watari pushed it down.

_You were so easy, Yutaka ..._

That last thought fled him as the other man stroked over him and then all Watari could do was feel.

°

Harsh breathing filled the otherwise silent room and Watari groaned a little as he moved. He felt Tatsumi's weight on him, his breath against his shoulder, and he delivered a little kiss to the sweaty skin.

"Seii..." he whispered. "I love you and all, but this is getting a bit less than comfy."

Blue eyes filled his vision, dazed blue eyes. Tatsumi blinked, then slowly raised himself off the prone body. Watari watched as disbelief and then mortification chased each other over the handsome planes.

"'Taka... what...? Enma's name!"

Tatsumi pushed himself all the way off, embarrassment coloring his voice and his face. He was actually blushing.

It looked cute, Watari decided as he sat up as well, thanking the Powers that shinigami healed fast. The pain of having someone fuck the living daylights out of you on a hard surface was already fading. As well as assorted other aches.

"I... 'Taka, I... I'm sorry," Tatsumi blurted.

"What for? For throwing me over the lab table and having your wicked way with me? Or for waiting so damn long to do it?"

_... You were so easy, Yutaka ..._

_Oh, shuddup._

Blue eyes blinked again. "Yutaka?"

He grinned. "Granted, it was a surprise, but hey... it was good." He dropped his voice at the last three words, which made Tatsumi blush even more.

_... you liked those games..._

_No, I don't. But I love you, Seii._

"I don't know what came over me..."

Watari reached for his lover and partner, curling a hand around the warm neck. "Seii, it's okay to let go once in a while. I didn't protest. It felt good. Did it feel good for you?"

Tatsumi bit his lower lip, then nodded hesitantly. It drew a brilliant smile out of the blond.

"See? You needed it. And you broke your own rules in the process. Cool."

A dry chuckle. "Only you, 'Taka."

Watari slipped off the table and glanced at the clock. It was close to five and officially they could go home now. Office hours were over.

"How about we call it a day, get home, shower... and then proceed with our plans? I'm feeling slightly hungry."

Tatsumi's expression shifted a little, then he nodded. "I'll... I'll meet you at home."

"Great. See you, Seii." He kissed him again, a parting gift. "Don't be late."

Watari watched his lover leave the lab as he closed his slightly ripped shirt.

The strange feeling was back again. No, he hadn't protested, nor had he fought, and yes, having wild unrestrained sex with his usually controlled lover in the office had been a secret fantasy of him. Then why did he feel so...

_...used, Yutaka._

Watari sighed as he switched out the light, 003 on his shoulder, and went home. He had to get ready for a date with the man he loved.

°

Tatsumi left the lab, feeling like everyone he met knew what he had done. Everyone but himself. He couldn't remember going to the lab, approaching Yutaka, and... having his way with him, as his lover had so rightly said it. His last conscious memory was of his office, of feeling something like... need?... and then he woke to the sensation of Watari beneath him, breathing hard, feeling to incredibly sated.

_Blackout?_ he mused. _Brought on by what? Sexual appetite? Hunger? Watari deprivation?_

True, they hadn't been together all week, since the 'housewarming party' at Watari's new apartment with work getting in the way, as well as a gruesome case that had required Tatsumi to accompany Tsuzuki to Tokyo. But he had gone without sex longer... much longer... and it had never felt like this.

Slightly bemused, even frightened, the Shadow Master entered his office, looking around for any signs that might help him figure out this puzzle.

Nothing.

Everything looked like it always did, neat, tidy and orderly.

He gathered his things and left again, unable to understand what had made him do this.

Maybe if he slept things over... maybe...

He had never lost control of his senses before, of his consciousness. It terrified him to think that he couldn't recall the incident. It terrified him more than he would ever confess out loud.

Tatsumi shook the dark thoughts away as best as he could and grabbed some notes from his desk to take home. He had a date tonight and Tatsumi Seiichiro wasn't known for letting his dates wait.

tbc...


	3. part 3

The following week passed without much incident. There were no new cases for Watari and the scientist had all the time in the world to delve deep into his passion, his hobby, which was experiments and research. His sparkling clean lab was too enticing not to work in and he found there were a lot of interesting substances in the unlabeled boxes and flasks he had unearthed in his spring cleaning session. 

Tatsumi had gotten over his uncontrolled sexual appetite of that one day. At least it looked like it. They had made love twice since then, and both times had been passionate, warm and loving. Watari had told his older lover that he was fine, that he hadn't been hurt, that it had actually excited him, and finally Tatsumi had relented. The guilt had disappeared.

Yesterday though, Watari had gotten a new project. Granted, it was computer research, but it was something other than the usual, boring stuff. After entering all parameters and launching the search, he decided to take a break.

Whistling to himself, Watari brewed another mug of tea for himself, trying out the various sorts he had discovered, then, out of a sudden thought, made a mug of the lemony Green Surprise for Tatsumi. His lover liked it and Watari had put the small box away for special occasions. Figuring any day could have a special occasion, he waited for the tea to be just right, then set out down the corridors to the office where he knew the Shadow Master was.

Bingo, he thought as he peeked into the rectangular room, finding Tatsumi working over whatever it was on that paper.

"Knock, knock."

The brown head came up and Watari smiled.

"Break?" He raised his mugs.

Tatsumi glanced at the wall clock and frowned. "That late already?"

"Don't tell me you worked through lunch?" the blond groaned, shaking his head.

He pushed the Green Surprise into Tatsumi's hands and it was taken with a slight smile.

"You are impossible."

"And you love me," Watari told him cheerfully.

"And I love you," was the quiet echo.

It sent a warm shiver down his spine, and Watari found himself smiling giddily.

"Want me to bring you something from the cafeteria?" he offered.

"No, I'll get something myself. Thanks."

"Good. Just see that you do. I don't want your ribs poking out."

Tatsumi scowled and Watari fled the office, laughing. He liked to tease his lover. It was such fun.

° ° °

Tatsumi made an appearance in his lab two hours later and Watari knew why. It was the research project that was running in the background that was sorting out several lost souls, cross-referencing them to the appearance of a new sect that was apparently responsible for many dead not making their way to Meifu. So far the computer hadn't finished, but everyone was eagerly waiting for the results.

His lover approached, standing over him, looking over his shoulder. Watari was aware of the close proximity, of the body heat, and then a hand brushed aside the heavy ponytail.

A kiss was planted onto his exposed neck.

°

Tatsumi had long since finished his tea and was gazing at the empty mug when he finally rose and walked along the silent corridors to the lab. It was time to check on the computer search, see if something had come up. Sure, Watari would have let him know first thing if something had, but he wanted to return the mug, too.

He entered the lab and spotted the blond at his computer worktable, typing away at the laptop. Without even thinking about it, Tatsumi approached the slender form, the mug forgotten as he placed it on the sideboard close by.

Like on automatic he homed in on the man he loved.

Like in a dream, he brushed aside the blond mane, exposing soft skin.

Tatsumi placed a soft loving kiss on his lover's neck, inhaling the faint scent of his hair -

°

"Seii, please, not now. This is really important." Watari turned a little, his attention focused on the monitor in front of him where the results of his latest research were about to be displayed.

He registered the long breath that was brushing over his skin, footsteps leaving. And then the sharp click of a door being locked.

"Seii, I just asked you to..."

The words stuck in Watari's throat as he looked up, his eyes widening at the sight of the figure that was stalking towards him. He stumbled out of his chair and his heart started to hammer with irrational fear- fear? Why the hell...? This was Seiichiro!

And he felt himself draw back a few steps.

"Seii?"

Watari bumped against a table and staggered for a second- and then his wrist was grabbed in a vice like grip, made him hiss in pain. Dark blue, almost black eyes regarded him with a nearly predatory look- Seiichiro?

No, this wasn't his gentle lover Tatsumi Seiichiro; this was a stranger, a man Watari had never seen before. A man he deeply feared.

Something old uncoiled inside him, something he had thought buried, and it frightened him... he only knew too well what the creature in front of him wanted. Watari felt his stomach clench with the thought.

"Seii, please, stop this. You don't want to do that..."

Placing his free hand against the other man's chest Watari tried to push him away... and felt himself being airborne the next second, flung through the lab with incredible strength. He heard a sharp snap and cried out in pain when his wrist gave way to the pressure of fingers around it. And then Tatsumi was all over him, pinning his wrists down regardless of the broken bones or his groaned protest.

Watari noticed a movement from the corner of his eyes and watched with growing horror as the darker parts of his lab came alive, hovering over them... a hand on his belly made his head jerk around and his terror grew even more, his conscious mind now finally realizing what was about to happen, that it indeed was about to happen.

"Seii... don't, please, don't do this... no..." he pleaded to deaf ears.

The sound of torn fabric... his legs being pushed apart roughly...

He didn't even hear the shattering of destroyed glass or furniture.

°

- inhaling the faint scent of his hair.

Blinking, Tatsumi's mind registered something was off. He was laying on the ground, blanketing the trembling body of his lover, his fingers curled tightly around the other man's wrist...

What the...?

Letting go he slowly pulled back, not quite understanding what had happened, why he was lying between his lover's legs...

"Taka?"

There was a choked, sobbing sound, and as Tatsumi brushed back the tousled hair he gasped. The strands were damp and there were tears streaming down his lover's face.

"Yutaka?"

Watari sobbed again, rolling onto his side and curling into himself, cradling his left wrist that was bent at an unnatural angle to his chest. He flinched violently when Tatsumi tried to touch him again, so the Shadow Master pulled back in total confusion.

"What happened, Taka? Please, talk to me...?"

_Seii... don't, please, don't do this... no..._

That was when he registered the state his lover was in, partially undressed, the state he himself was in- along with the traces of blood. Looking up he saw what was left of the lab, and realization hit.

Oh god, no ...

"Taka?"

A shiver ran over the huddled body at the sound of his voice. Tatsumi watched the man he loved more than his own life - or what was left of that- more or less trying to scramble away from him and went looking for the phone, hoping it had survived the uninhibited fury of his shadows.

He needed help.

tbc...


	4. part 4

  
Tatsumi opened the door to let in a very worried Hisoka and Tsuzuki. Huge violet eyes looked around in utter shock, taking in the mass of destruction that once had been Watari's lab. The shinigami knew what Tatsumi's shadows were capable of and he recognized their work immediately. Hisoka rushed past him, kneeling beside the curled up figure on the ground... and then flinched away, gasping in distress. 

"Tatsumi?" Tsuzuki queried softly.

The Shadow Master leaned against the wall, looking like death warmed over himself.

"I lost control," he whispered, and Tsuzuki winced.

He looked around again, then his eyes came to rest on the blond man. "Watari?" he whispered.

Pain filled blue eyes looked at him. "I... think I hurt him..."

"You hurt me?"

Watari's usually cheerful voice was rough and laden with venom, and it didn't need an empath to flinch. The scientist had stopped shaking and was now kneeling on the floor, golden eyes staring hard at his lover.

"You hurt me! You didn't just hurt me, Tatsumi! How could you... it was the first time ever I said no, and you... you took what you wanted nevertheless! And you dare to tell me you love me! I should have known, I'm used to this kind of love; I expected you to ... but you didn't have to rape me! Get out! Get out of my sight and never come back!"

Tsuzuki watched as Tatsumi's face fell, grew even paler at the enraged words, and he grabbed his arm when the other man simply turned to leave.

"Where are you going?" he demanded.

"Konoe. I lost control and one of my - colleagues got injured. That's inexcusable." Tatsumi's voice was like automatic, lifeless, without emotions.

His whole face was devoid of anything, but his eyes spoke lengths...

Tsuzuki had received the call while he had been on his way home. He had just powered down his computer and had been ready to call it a day when Tatsumi's call had startled him. His friend's voice had been almost dead, so completely and utterly shocked, so... so completely not-Tatsumi. Grabbing Hisoka, who had been slightly confused, he had raced down to the lab  to find this destruction, this horror.

And now...

Tatsumi had taken Watari by force? raced through his head. He had lost control? Impossible. Tatsumi never lost control! And he was the most gentle person Tsuzuki had ever met. He could be stern, he could be unforgiving when something occurred, but he never dealt out blows, he never forced himself on anyone...

This was impossible!

And to lose control of his shadows on top of that... no way!

"Tatsumi?"

Serious, confused and very sad blue eyes met his, and Tsuzuki felt his heart clench at the pain he saw in there, too.

"I'm going to apply for immediate vacation, until this... case... is solved. I want you two to investigate my... behavior, as discretely as possible. Until the reason for it is found I'm a liability to this department and a danger to my colleagues."

Hisoka had guided Watari to one of the chairs that had survived the attack, was talking quietly to the injured man without touching him. The empath met Tsuzuki's gaze, disbelief coloring his own features.

"Seii," Tsuzuki whispered and touched him, noticing the flinch. "Seii, listen to me... Whatever happened here, whatever possessed you, you can't just turn your back on itand run. You taught me that. Now follow your own advise! Hisoka and I will investigate, but you can't just leave."

"I can and I will. I'm a danger. You saw it. What if I lose control again?"

Tsuzuki met the desperate features. "Then we'll assign a guardian to you. Terazuma's free at the moment."

The Shadow Master smiled darkly. "Even the Black One's no match against the full force of my shadows, Tsuzuki. The only one I'd trust in stopping me is you."

He looked at his friend and one-time partner. He knew Tatsumi was right. He could take him. He could defeat him if he used the power inside him.

"Then I'll stick to you like glue."

"You have a case to work."

"You are my case."

"I'm not a lost soul!" Tatsumi argued.

"Right now, you are," was the quiet reply, the inhuman eyes very, very serious.

Hisoka appeared at his side and Tsuzuki gave him a brief look, confirming the determination of his partner.

"I'll take Watari home. You'll be okay?"

"Yes. I'll be here and have a look around. With Tatsumi."

The older shinigami evaded the green eyes and Hisoka frowned a little, but he didn't say a thing. He just nodded again and joined Watari once more, who left without ever looking up. Tatsumi's eyes followed the departing figure, a soul deep pain visible in those haunted eyes.

Tsuzuki stepped between the man and the door that had closed now. "Seii, tell me what happened," he demanded.

After a moment of hesitation, Tatsumi did just that.

° ° °

Tsuzuki sat in the silent, dark lab, looking around what had once been Watari's little kingdom. No one had cleaned up, nothing had been moved, except for a chair or two. On one chair he currently sat and let his thoughts pass through his mind. Tatsumi had told him every detail of what he remembered. He had also mentioned that he had lost control like that before, but not as badly. He couldn't remember anything, but apparently he had taken Watari and the two men had had a rough tumble of sex. This time, though, it had been more.

_Why?_ Tsuzuki thought. _Why would Tatsumi lose it like this? Why would he force himself on his partner? And he had lost control of the shadows, too._

_Something's not right. Something's terribly wrong. This isn't Tatsumi._

Amethyst eyes strayed over broken furniture, cracked and dented walls, glass splinters covering the ground... and he shook his head again.

No, Tatsumi wouldn't do this.

Could it have been a possession? Some kind of demon or devil?

But that sounded unlikely. Devils and demons didn't possess only for a moment; they took over full time. He had been a victim once and he knew what that was like.

Tatsumi was himself and there had been no negative emissions from him.

Thoughts- he asked the only other being currently with him, though not physically.

Touda seemed to shift, the inky darkness that was him flowing around him. -I'm not a detective-

Tsuzuki smiled. -Neither am I, but this is my case-

The fire shikigami snorted, but he seemed to be thinking. -He wasn't possessed. No demon or devil is known for this-

Yeah, but why would he lose it like this-

Another thoughtful silence. -Either he possesses a split personality or it was some kind of drug or poison- Touda rumbled.

Tsuzuki frowned. He hadn't thought of that. "Poison or drug," he murmured.

Tatsumi could be a little frightening sometimes, but he certainly wasn't a psychopath, even with his long time as a shinigami which could get to a person every now and then. But Tatsumi rarely worked active cases which made the second possibility much more likely. But who would drug him? And moreover - why? Or could it even have been accidental? And what kind of poison or drug could have an effect like this on a shinigami?

He would have to look into it.

Tatsumi was currently in his office and the moment he was done here he would pick him up and go home with him. He wouldn't leave the other man alone right now. Hisoka was staying with Watari, getting everything out of the blond that he possibly could.

Poison...

° ° °

Arrangements had been made and while they were strange arrangements, they worked. At least Tsuzuki hoped they would. He had brought Tatsumi home with him, pushed the unresisting man into his apartment, stripped him of his jacket and tie, forced tea into his hands, and told him he would stay here tonight.

Tatsumi hadn't argued.

Shell-shocked, he had followed orders, right down to letting Tsuzuki get him under the shower and wash off the worst grime. Now, with the older shinigami in his bedroom and sleeping the sleep of the exhausted, Tsuzuki sat at his kitchen counter and tried to make sense of it all.

But nothing made sense.

The image of the lab returned, as well as Touda's words.

Poison?

It sounded logical, but how? Maybe it was a demon and they just had never heard of him or her? He would have to ask Hisoka to run an empathic check on the residue of the lab.

Thinking of his partner, Tsuzuki picked up his phone and dialed a number. Someone answered after the first ring.

"It's me," he said softly. "How is he?"

He listened, face growing more grim.

"Okay. Stay with him tonight. I need you to run a check tomorrow. On the lab. Find out if there was something... demonic in there. Yes, demonic... Thanks, Hisoka. I'll be back in Meifu. I need to talk to Konoe and practice damage control." He smiled slightly at the comment that got him, then hung up after a good-bye.

Tsuzuki placed the receiver back into the cradle and looked at the partially closed bedroom door. He couldn't leave Tatsumi alone, but neither could he assign someone else to guard the man. At least no one in Meifu. There was someone he could ask for a favor...

° ° °

Whatever physical traces there had been from the attack and the subsequent...

_Rape, Yutaka, it was rape_, Watari thought darkly.

Well, he bore no more traces of the violence inflicted upon his body. Shinigami healed quickly and everything was as it had been before.

His mind was another matter.

Curled up on the bed of his host, staring at the blank wall, Watari tried to wrap his mind around what had happened. He came up with nothing. Tatsumi had... he had...

No!

_You were so easy, Yutaka ..._

No!

_You liked those games ..._

NO!

He hadn't wanted it, no way, not like that, never like that.

_Tightly bound, legs spread wide, screams muffled by the gag, pain, so much pain ..._

_I love you, Yutaka ... you are perfect ..._

_Tears of humiliation and pain streaming down his face, a hand softly cradling his face ... it's all right, Yuta, I know I didn't hurt you ..._  
_Yuki?_

_I always used you, my little lamb. Did you think I would hang out with such a nerd as you were in college? That I would suffer your babble for nothing?_

_I love you, Watari Yutaka ..._

Yeah, right.

He screwed his eyes shut and felt tremors race through his body. He remembered every little detail, from the cold, ruthless expression in the usually so warm eyes, to the hard set of the features that could relay so many emotions when they were together. Yuki ... no, Tatsumi ...

Nothing was right about this. Nothing at all. But the fact remained: Tatsumi had raped him, had taken him against his will and by force.

Because I said no...

And he had used him nevertheless ...

_What did you expect? You're his little toy, Yutaka..._

Tears gathered in his eyes and he sobbed softly. There was a hooting sound and he blinked, feeling the light weight of his little owl land on his shoulder. 003 nuzzled his hair, tiny feet shuffling over the fabric of his borrowed clothes. He had no idea where Hisoka had gotten clothes that fit his much taller size, and he didn't care.

003 hooted again, more urgently.

Watari turned onto his back and she fluttered a little, rearranging her position to sit on his chest. He smiled tearfully and stroked over the tiny head.

"Sorry, my friend. I'm not good company right now."

Another hoot and she tilted her head.

"Why?" Watari whispered. "Why did it happen?"

Huge owl eyes regarded him, 003 having no answer for that question. And somehow Watari felt no drive to get up and find out himself. He just lay in Hisoka's bed, body and mind trying to adjust to the violent attack  and failing miserably.

tbc...


	5. part 5

Tatsumi woke in an unfamiliar bed, an unfamiliar room, and to the sun streaming through the partially open blinds. He squinted into the light, trying to remember where he was and how he had come here. 

He didn't need to remember what had happened, because those memories assaulted him right away. He screwed his eyes shut and moaned, feeling bile rise in his throat.

He had raped his lover.

He had lost control and taken Watari by force.

And he had let loose his shadows...

'Do you know what it means to be a Shadow Master?' his teacher had asked him in the beginning of his tutelage. 'It means to be at one's liberty to choose what to do. It means a freedom and a power few wield. The shadows are everywhere, all around us, and even in blinding light a shadow can be found. Your weapon is limitless, everywhere, and destructive. But it is a double-edged sword, Seiichiro. As a master you have entire self-control; you're not to be governed by passion. Being a master means consciousness, Seiichiro. Consciousness of your powers, of your self, of everything around you. Never lose that consciousness. Never.'

But he had lost it. Utterly and completely. He had lost himself and his control. And now he had lost everything.

When he finally crawled out of bed, he faintly remembered Tsuzuki's presence. His friend had been there, had talked to him, had helped him, and he had taken him home.

A humorless smile crossed his pale lips. Tsuzuki's bed. A decade ago he would have loved waking up here, preferably with Tsuzuki.

Now...

With a sigh the Shadow Master walked out the bedroom-

and froze.

On the couch in the living room sat a young man Tatsumi had never seen before, cross-legged, flipping through a magazine, unruly white strands of hair falling into his eyes and he shook them away impatiently. When he sensed his approach he looked up, large red eyes meeting startled blue ones.

"Good morning," the young man said cheerfully, a long striped tail flicking.

Tail?

"Who are you?"

"Oh, not you, too. It's me, Byakko."

Byakko, the Protector of the West, the wind god, one of the four Gods, and Tsuzuki's first shikigami. And usually he looked quite... different.

"What...? You're... a tiger!" he blurted.

"Ah, yes, that." Byakko shrugged, smiling cheerfully. "That's my fighting form, so to speak. I have this one as my normal one. I guess no one ever mentioned it."

Tatsumi swallowed, shaking his head. He wondered why he had never heard about shikigami having human forms. Then again, why would he ever inquire? He had no shikigami partner and he had never wanted to have one.

"And since Tsuzuki decided to have the two of you stay in his place in Meifu, it was even easier. Beats explaining a white tiger in your apartment to your landlords." Another grin.

He was still in Meifu?

All shinigami had a place in Meifu, as well as a rented apartment in the world of the living, and Tsuzuki preferred the latter to the prior. So why keep him here in Meifu?

"Why?" he managed.

"Tsuzuki asked me to stay with you, in case you're wondering why I'm here. He should be back some time today."

Tsuzuki had left his shikigami here to baby-sit him?

The absurdity was only topped by the utter shock of it. Tatsumi stumbled into a chair and shook his head.

"Where is he?" he asked.

"Investigating, if I understood him correctly."

A frown.

"Your case," Byakko added.

Before Tatsumi could say something, the door opened and the topic of their conversation walked in. Black coat hiding a slender figure, dressed all in dark, Tsuzuki looked every bit as regal as he was threatening. And tired, Tatsumi noted. Considering it was broad daylight outside and they must have arrived here after office hours yesterday, Tsuzuki had worked through the night.

"Hey, Tatsumi. You're awake! Good."

Tsuzuki walked over to Byakko, falling on the couch beside him, and - Tatsumi's jaw almost hit the floor - the shikigami wrapped his arms around his master in a brief hug.

"Are you up to some questions?"

Tatsumi looked at his colleague, his friend of such a long time, and he wondered if he was up to anything. It felt like a very bad dream, a nightmare, and he desperately wanted to wake up.

"Where's 'Ta... Watari?"

"With Hisoka," was the curt answer. "Now, I need to know some things, and only you can tell me."

Tsuzuki was still leaning unconsciously against the shikigami, who didn't seem to be interested in anything but his master. But the red eyes were still on Tatsumi and the shinigami was quite aware of how attentive the wind god was at the moment.

"I need to talk to Konoe..." Tatsumi murmured, trying to stall any questions that would drag him back into the horrible events of yesterday... events he couldn't even remember!

"I did that already." At his startled look, Tsuzuki smiled a little. "We need his cover. No one else knows but us and him. We need him to explain our absence and the state of the lab. He's best suited for it."

If Konoe knew, Enma-Daiou knew. And Tatsumi knew there was little the Lord of Hades didn't know anyway. The repercussions... Oh Gods... Resigning wouldn't be the last step, only the first in his punishment.

"Tatsumi!"

He jolted out of his downward spiral and blinked, looking right into a pair of intense, violet eyes.

"Seii, I need to get some answers. We're on a time limit here. Will you help me?"

He nodded mutely.

Tsuzuki leaned forward, smiling calmly, infusing the same calm into his friend. It was one of those transformations that, when witnessed, always took Tatsumi's breath away. Tsuzuki harbored such different character traits and they all made up a man as complicated as all the riddles in the world. A puzzle with a million pieces that shattered into a million more whenever you came too close to the truth.

"Okay, now..."

And the questioning started.

'What did you do yesterday? Tell me in detail.'

'What did you eat?'

'What did you drink?'

'Where did you go?'

'Have you changed anything in your life lately? Food, drink, shampoo? Anything?'

'Has this ever happened before?'

Here Tatsumi faltered. Yes, it had happened before, but not like this. Not so... violently. But he told Tsuzuki and he noticed the thoughtful frown deepen.

'Go back to that day it happened the first time. What did you do that day?'

And the questions went on. It was exhausting, painful, and so very, very private. But here sat a man who knew him better than most. Here was a man who understood the pain and the past and the agony of dark memories. And somehow Tatsumi kept it all together despite the nightmarish events. Somehow...

But he couldn't remember anything of the actual act. He might never be able to recall it and maybe it was better this way.

In the end Tsuzuki sat in thoughtful, absorbed silence, tapping a finger to his lips, eyes distant. Byakko had been silent throughout the interrogation, but his keen eyes were on the two shinigami. Finally Tsuzuki rose.

"Byakko, could you stay here a bit longer? I know I'm asking a lot, but..."

Byakko smiled softly. "I don't mind. You know I serve you."

Tsuzuki's features softened a little and he leaned into the shikigami's embrace. "Thank you. I'll be back soon."

"Tsuzuki...?" Tatsumi started, confused. "Where are you going?"

"I need to check on a few things, talk to Hisoka and such." He gave the older man a cheerful smile. "You two have fun."

And with that he was out the door.

Tatsumi was left with an energetic young man, a shikigami God, and nothing much else. Red eyes regarded him curiously.

"Do you like soaps?" Byakko finally asked, eyeing the remote control and then the TV.

Tatsumi almost laughed out loud, but not in humor. It was just the sheer absurdity of it all.

° ° °

Hisoka had left Watari at his place, under the guard of 003, and gone to meet his partner in Meifu again. Watari was still in considerable shock, but there was a clarity to his voice and his eyes that told the young shinigami that Watari would pull through. It would take time and the real shock would still come and hit him badly, but right now he could leave him alone.

As Tsuzuki had done with Tatsumi, Hisoka had asked Watari all kinds of detailed questions, making himself a better picture of what had happened. Now he just had to talk with his partner to see if some of this made sense in context with what Tatsumi had remembered.

The Shokan Division was busy as always and Hisoka walked past colleagues and other employees, ignoring them as was his custom when he was preoccupied. No one gave a second thought about it and he arrived at the lab without incident. The door was closed, there was a warning label pasted directly over it proclaiming there had been an accident and that the lab was temporarily closed, and the lights were turned down.

Hisoka entered without hesitation and looked around the ruined laboratory. Tsuzuki was already there, a silent, statue-like figure in black, dominating a desolate room. His face set in unnaturally serious angles and lines, the bright, violet eyes distant, he looked like a piece of art, forgotten in the ruins of a former museum. Powerful, magnetic, drawing everyone in.

Hisoka shook himself. Now was no the time to enjoy the view. He could do that later. His job and his private life were strictly separated and he barely allowed himself to acknowledge his relationship with his partner throughout office hours.

"There was no demon here," he broke the silence.

The dark head moved and those fascinating eyes fell on him. Tsuzuki smiled a little. "I had hoped not. Actually, I couldn't figure any demon who would only come out twice and be dormant for the rest of the time."

Hisoka shrugged. "He might have been called by sexual power."

He had spent an hour in this room, casting his powers, trying to find even the most miniscule particle of demonic influence, but there had been nothing. Only the strong presence of Watari, the milder one of Tatsumi, and the faint traces of everyone else who had come visit.

As for Tatsumi, there had been no malevolence. Just like the moment they had come into the lab, after Tatsumi's call for help, he had felt nothing evil. Only the despair, the confusion, the fear... and the terror that stemmed from the realization of what had happened.

"If that would be the case," Tsuzuki now said, "he would have come out between the first and the last time. Tatsumi told me that they had sex after the first time and he never experienced a black-out. No, something about those two times was special."

Hisoka walked around the room, hearing the glass and debris crunch under his shoes.

"Did you interview Watari?" Tsuzuki asked.

He nodded and related to his partner everything the shocked blond had told him. Tsuzuki listened silently, thoughtfully, eyes straying to the crushed and shattered furniture.

"Something set him off," he murmured. "Something..."

"Medical condition?"

A short smile. "Doubtful. Shinigami aren't human, Hisoka. Our prior medical conditions are gone and we don't get new ones."

Except... Hisoka thought and shuddered. "Curses," he murmured.

That stopped Tsuzuki up short and his eyebrows dipped into a V. "You think someone put a curse on him without his knowledge?"

He shrugged.

"Doubtful," Tsuzuki continued. "Curses don't work at random. And this seems random, unless we find a common base."

He raised a finger and started to count off what they knew.

"The setting was the lab, both times. The trigger was different. The first time Tatsumi only assumed control and sex happened. The second time he did the same, but Watari refused, triggering the violent reaction that also let him lose control over his shadows in the process. Both times it was throughout work hours. Both times no words were exchanged from Tatsumi's side. Both times he looked... distant, as if not himself. Influenced. Both times he was back to his old self after the act."

"So it was a brief moment of insanity," Hisoka murmured. "A brief black-out."

Tsuzuki stuffed his hands into his pockets, not pleased. "We're missing something."

"Both times..." Hisoka mused thoughtfully.

"They didn't eat together on those days," Tsuzuki went on, still thinking out loud. "They were in different rooms, in different wings of the building. Watari had no lab accidents, there was nothing in the air, and I doubt Tatsumi is allergic to cherries all of a sudden. One time Watari had just cleaned the lab, the other he was doing research."

Both times...

Hisoka's eyes widened. "Tea!"

"Come again?"

"There was something that happened both times! Watari's tea!"

Tsuzuki looked a bit perplexed. "What about it?"

"Watari told me he had found all kinds of things while cleaning up, some of the boxes containing tea and instant coffee. He made himself one of the teas, but Tatsumi drank the whole cup. He liked it so much, Watari made it again and took it to him  on that day it happened again!"

The older shinigami stood rooted to the spot, mind clearly racing, remembering what Touda had said and what he himself had wanted to investigate. "The tea..." he murmured. "Something in the tea?"

"Tatsumi had the tea before he had his black outs."

Tsuzuki looked around the lab again, then grabbed an overturned cardboard box and began to collect assorted boxes and containers strewn all over the place.

"What are you doing?" Hisoka wanted to know.

"Looking for tea boxes. Whatever could contain tea leaves, we're taking it with us. I want Watari to identify the box the stuff was in. Then we test it."

Hisoka nodded briskly. Good idea.

He set to work.

tbc...


	6. part 6

Tatsumi was a bundle of nervous energy. He could feel it race through his system and it had no place to go. 

So he paced.

And paced some more.

And did his laps around the small place.

Byakko was sitting on the couch, TV running, tail twitching now and then as his red eyes followed the Shadow Master's progress around the room.

"Sit," the wind god finally said softly.

Tatsumi stopped, stared at him, then continued his pacing.

A sigh was the answer to his actions.

"You're making me dizzy, Tatsumi."

"Fine!" he snapped, feeling the energies coil inside him.

He needed to find out what was going on. He needed to see Watari.

No, he couldn't.

He was the one who had assaulted him. He had hurt him. Badly.

He had... had...

Tatsumi's mind drew a blank, a painful blank, and he felt his body starting to tremble.

He had... sexually assaulted him.

Oh gods...

He wasn't aware that he had stopped, was standing like rooted to the spot, breathing hard, until someone touched him.

Tatsumi's reaction was one of instinct as he tried to fend off the attacker, but he never had a chance against the deceptively slender and lithe body. Hands grabbed his wrists and he tugged helplessly, feeling the first twitches of his shadows.

"Tatsumi!" a voice whispered softly. "Snap out of it!"

He blinked, suddenly aware of those strange, red eyes so very close by, framed by silvery white hair.

"What...?"

Byakko let go of him, shooting him slightly worried looks. "You okay?"

"I... yes..."

A tilt of the head begged to argue with that answer, but the white tiger let it slide.

Tatsumi inhaled deeply, then suddenly made a beeline for the door. He had to get out of here, do something, work, whatever... - and again he was stopped, this time with a bit more force.

"Where do you think you're going?" Byakko asked.

"Out!"

"You're staying."

He glared angrily at the shikigami. "I'm not a prisoner!"

"No, you're not. But you're in no condition to work, either."

The glare intensified.

"Tsuzuki asked me to keep an eye on you," Byakko continued. "In here, in this apartment, and you will stay here until he comes back."

"I can't stay here any longer!"

"Why?"

Tatsumi's teeth gnashed, but he refused to talk.

"Because you assaulted your partner?" the shikigami went on calmly. "That's exactly the reason why you'll stay here with me. Tsuzuki wants to know what happened, what made you do this, and he can't do that with you running around, maybe making things worse."

"Worse? How much worse can it get?" Tatsumi cried, trying to push past Byakko again. "Let me go!"

"No." And this time there was more power behind the word, the aura of the wind god rising. "You're staying, Tatsumi Seiichiro. I'll enforce Tsuzuki's orders, whether you like it or not."

"What if it were you?" Tatsumi yelled, feeling all reason slip away as his emotions rose. "What if you had assaulted the one you loved? What if you couldn't remember what happened? All you can see... all I can see is his face, the horror, the pain, the injuries! I can see it in my mind, but I don't know what happened! I hurt my partner, Byakko! I sexually assaulted and took him against his will! I raped Yutaka!"

The last was a desperate cry. The shadows hissed around him, striking at the wall, but never touching the wind god. Tatsumi wrapped his arms around himself, feeling sick enough to throw up, and the bile was rising in his throat.

"I raped him," he whispered. "I raped the man I love. I did such an unspeakable thing to him. He hates me. He hates me. He..." Tears began to slide. "What if it were you, Byakko? Wouldn't you want to know? Because I can't remember..."

His words repeated themselves, like his thoughts, now running in stumbling circles around his fracturing mind.

Someone touched him. Byakko. Leading him to the couch, making him sit down. Gentle hands ran over his shaking form.

"Yes," the tiger's soft voice whispered. "Yes, I would want to know. I would be in pain, like you. I would be desperate. I would scream and tear at everything to be let out, to find the reason. I know I would do the same as you. But, Tatsumi, you can't do anything at the moment. All you can do is trust in your friends."

He gazed into the blood red eyes, saw the sincerity and trust in Tsuzuki in there.

"Tsuzuki will find out what happened. Trust him. Let him do his work."

Tatsumi groaned softly, closing his eyes as more tremors raced through him. He felt so utterly sick.

"How would you feel if you were in my shoes?" he moaned again.

Byakko sat down next to him, his warm hand describing calming circles over his tense back, and Tatsumi, despite his emotional upheaval, found himself relaxing a little bit at a time.

"Aside from the fact that I wouldn't have a chance against Touda? Hypothetically, I'd probably feel the same. No, let's say I would feel the same. I would want to know. So I sympathize with you, Tatsumi, but I have my orders, and they tell me to keep you here. If I were in your place, if I had attacked Touda and taken him by force, suffering a total blackout, I'd have someone sitting on me while the others tried to find a reason why."

"I need to know what happened!" Tatsumi whimpered desperately.

"As does Watari, as do the others. We all want to know what made you attack your partner."

He was sliding away, feeling less and less coherent. The outbreak was taking its toll on him. The gentle touch was still there, and suddenly Tatsumi felt a likewise gentle aura envelop him. He fought, but only for a moment, then surrendered to the darkness, and the feeling of protection.

° ° °

"Okay," Tsuzuki put the assorted boxes they had collected in the lab onto the table. "The only thing both incidents have in common and we have identified so far is tea."

"Tea?" Watari blinked, looking at the several boxes that were lined up in front of him.

"Yes. Both times you prepared some tea for Tatsumi."

"Yes, but ... it's only tea, Tsuzuki. We had tea before, both of us and it never ... I mean, I drank this stuff before."

Tsuzuki nodded his agreement. "Maybe we're on the totally wrong track here, Watari, but it's at least worth a try. Which is the one you prepared?"

Watari wordlessly pointed at a little red, metal box with screwed-on lid which label said 'Green Surprise' and Tsuzuki took the box.

"We'll take it to the lab... errr, office. Get the ingredients figured out."

"It's only tea," Watari repeated, bewildered. "Granted, I've had it for a long time now, but tea doesn't turn into something of a... drug during the time. All it is are dried leaves and some additions to that. Flavors. Maybe fruits and bark and whatnot. It's nothing like a drug!"

"Some do turn into something else," Hisoka told him levelly. "Fermentation not necessarily stops after the drying process. You should know about the chemical reactions involved, Watari."

Huge golden eyes regarded them, confused, and Tsuzuki wrapped his arms around his friend instinctively, hugging Watari. The lithe form sagged in his embrace, little tremors running over the body.

"It can't be the tea," the scientist whispered.

"Let's not jump to conclusions, Watari. Whatever the reason, we will find out. And then it will never happen again."

The blond nodded, hands still clutching Tsuzuki's coat.

Glancing over Watari's shoulder Tsuzuki saw determination written in the green eyes of his partner. They would help their friends get through this, whole and secure. It was a silent promise he made to Watari- and Hisoka.

°

The tests took a while. The lab had been thoroughly trashed by the shadows and the little back-up unit just wasn't equipped to deal with fast processing. Watari did the initial preparations. Tsuzuki was always with him, hoping that his presence wasn't a bother but more of a safety net for the still very easily rattled scientist. Watari had insisted on doing the tests, refusing to let anyone else handle it.

"I'm doing a presumptive test first," he explained as he worked.

At Tsuzuki's questioning look, Watari smiled and launched into a brief explanation.

"Presumptive tests are used for the initial screening. They're rather easy to do. If we get a negative, it means there aren't any drugs or toxins present. We then don't have to do the whole thing. If they're positive, well, then we look more closely because then we get a list of possible toxins. Not that I don't expect any anyway. Tea is toxic."

"It is?"

"Poison is present wherever we go, whatever we breathe. It's in the air, in coffee, in alcohol... so I'll find toxins. I just have to exclude what's naturally found in tea."

Watari gave him that so well-known bright smile of a scientist after a puzzle. For the moment he was forgetting what he was testing. He was simply in his element.

So he began. Adding solutions to the leaves, letting machines separate the components, analyze the substances, and printers produced sheets of colorful charts with spikes and interesting looking lines. There were numbers and very... complicated names, Latin or English, for the components. Toxicology was just one of the many tests, and while Tsuzuki had never heard of thin-layer chromatography, ultraviolet spectroscopy and gas chromatography, he knew that those machines did their magic, too.

And even after the first results, Watari went back and confirmed everything. In the end there was a single sheet that gave them the solution to the problem.

And it wasn't good.

"The tea?" Hisoka asked.

He had joined them throughout the last tests and had quietly waited with Tsuzuki, keeping an eye on their friend.

Tsuzuki looked at the lab report, shaking his head in sheer amazement. The tea. The tea had really been the poison.

_I don't believe it..._

Watari's hands were shaking and his golden eyes were huge and swimming with tears. Since he had done the tests himself, there was no doubt in his mind about the truth of the results. It was just a matter of accepting what science told him in such clear, cold words and numbers.

"I didn't know," he whispered. "I had found the tea while cleaning the lab. It was from a small shop in Kyoto and... there was nothing bad about it."

Tsuzuki swallowed. No, there hadn't been anything bad about the green tea as such, but another substance had been mixed into it. A substance that had caused the tea to have such an intense effect. A substance that had been in the box before Watari had poured the tea leaves into it.

The results spoke for themselves. The complicated name of the chemical, as well as its high concentration, had been found by the tests. It was irrefutably there. Tsuzuki had no idea what it was, or had been, just that together with the tealeaves it had been ingested by Tatsumi, and it had changed his behavior.

It had been a drug... a poison to the system... and it hadn't just made Tatsumi hyper or sleepy or something like that. It had made him someone else.

_Jekyll and Hyde anyone?_ he thought dimly.

"I kept an experimental powder in there," Watari went on, voice so flat, so lifeless, it was like someone talking in his dream. "I don't even know what it was for anymore. It was a stupid idea and I mixed it up, then forgot about it. I had no other container, so I emptied it and put the tea inside. I didn't know... I didn't... think... Oh Gods... It was my fault... my fault...again ..."

Now the tears were falling and Tsuzuki stepped forward, pulling the man toward him. Watari fell into his arms, sobbing. He simply held him, aware that there was nothing he could say or do. The facts were clear.

Now they had to live with them and rearrange their lives.

tbc...


	7. part 7

Watari sat in his apartment, staring out the window, seeing nothing. A week had passed since the discovery as to what had caused Tatsumi's blackout, had made him force his lover to have sex. 

_It's called rape, Yutaka_, he thought darkly.

Rape. And he didn't even know what he was doing. He was under the influence of something you had brewed for him.

_Fool!_

He had been careless. He had put two substances together and forgotten about it. As a scientist he should have cleaned the box and then filled it with the tea. No, scratch that. He shouldn't have used a container that had held a chemical substance for a food product. It had been irresponsibly careless.

_My fault. I poisoned my lover. Good Gods, I poisoned my life partner!_

_You asked for it ... like you always do..._

Raking a hand through his tousled hair he winced as knots hindered his progress. His hair was a mess, like he himself was a mess. For a week now he had come to work, holed himself up in the ruin that had been his lab, had worked on restoring everything, and he had warded off whoever had come to help. The incident had been called an explosion in the lab, and only a few people knew the truth.

There was a knock at the door and Watari started. He stared at his apartment door, feeling a small tremor run through him. Finally he pulled himself together and rose slowly, walking to the door.

_I'm a shinigami, damnit! I can defend myself should it be an attacker._

_And see how much good it did you against your lover_, a small voice whispered.

He groaned softly and screwed his eyes shut, breathing in and out, trying to find the calmness he had been chasing for over a week now.

"Watari?" a voice called and he recognized it as Tsuzuki's. "You in?"

He opened the door and dredged up a smile for his friend. Tsuzuki didn't buy it, though. His expression was serious and those eyes... for the first time in decades Watari found himself lowering his gaze, unable to look into those inhumanly colored orbs.

"Can I come in?" Tsuzuki asked calmly.

He winced and stepped back, still not making eye contact. "Yeah, sure."

Tsuzuki entered his home and closed the door behind himself. "How are you?" he asked conversationally.

"I'm fine," he answered automatically, moving over to the kitchen. "Want something to drink?"

"Water would be okay."

"I've go lemonade."

"Sounds great."

Watari busied himself with preparing the cold drinks, wondering why he felt so unwell with this visit.

Because you've been alone for the past week. You shied away from human contact.

"Watari?"

He gasped and whirled around. Tsuzuki was behind, but not close enough to crowd. Warm, violet eyes looked at him.

"Yutaka? Are you okay?"

The same question, just different words.

"I..." he began, then broke off.

Tsuzuki took his glass of lemonade and smiled reassuringly.

"So... how are you?" he asked for the third time.

"I don't really know," Watari whispered and stumbled over to a couch chair, falling into it. His hands were shaking. "I don't know what to feel any more. It's like a nightmare... and I can't wake up."

"Neither can Tatsumi."

At the name of his lover he looked away again, at the floor, his feet, his hands. Anywhere but the older shinigami who watched him so calmly.

"I don't know what to do anymore," Watari confessed, voice shaking. "I don't know... Every time I see him, I see... his face. The way he looked at me just before he..." Watari swallowed and looked at his hands. "You know how scary Tatsumi can be, but he never... never looked at me that way." He buried his face in his hands with a harsh sob. "And it was my fault again. I poisoned him, I asked for it ... "

Tsuzuki's eyes widened in shock and he suddenly remembered a conversation not unlike this one - 'did you realize how everybody always uses me?'... oh gods, Watari was blaming himself for the attack? This was far more complicated than he had thought.

He gently took Watari's wrists, prying the fingers from his friend's face to look into desperate golden eyes.

"You didn't asked for being raped, Watari. And certainly you don't ask for being used. Tatsumi wouldn't use you, ever. This was an accident, and it was- not- your - fault."

"I'm easy, Asato ... I seduced Seii, I was the initiator. I like it rough, didn't you know that? He just gave me what I wanted, what I deserved..."

Tsuzuki stared at his friend in utter shock. He had never heard Watari talk like that, never. And he asked himself who might have taught Watari things like this, persuaded him that he was not worth being loved, only used... 'that bastard' Watari had called him.

"Yutaka, Tatsumi loves you. You do not deserve violence, nobody does. You do not ask to be used..."

"But I volunteered to get used, Asato. It's what I am... why should Tatsumi be any different?"

"Because you are his life, Yutaka. And right now he is dying."

That stopped the self-loathing tirade.

Tsuzuki looked at his friend, dismayed by the state he was in. Neglect and little sleep showed on the usually so bright features. He was like a mirror of what Tatsumi's face showed each and every day the secretary walked into his office. Like a robot he made his work, his eyes distant, his movements almost automated. He ate nothing, he talked to no one, and he left the office after everyone else had already gone home.

Tsuzuki sighed. This was one hard case.

"Watari," he said, getting the other man to look at him.

"Do you still love him?"

Golden eyes widened slightly, and then Watari nodded.

"Do you still want to be with him?"

"Yes. As long as ..."

"Yes or no, Watari. Nothing else."

"Yes."

"Do you think you can ever forgive him?"

"It wasn't his fault!" Watari blurted, eyes filled with self-loathing.

"You and I know that, Tatsumi knows that. Do you think he will do it again? In your heart of hearts, Watari, do you think he's capable of purposely hurting you?"

"No... he... that wasn't him." The last was a whisper.

"Exactly. Watari, you see his face, and I don't know what else- have you ever thought about what he sees when he looks at you? Think about it." Tsuzuki leaned forward. "You know him, maybe even better than I ever did. Tatsumi will never approach you, will never make the first step, it's simply not what he is. I've never seen him with anybody, I've never seen him happier than when he was with you. Right now he's burying himself in his work 24/7, and if this won't be solved soon, it will destroy him. And you. And I don't want to see my friends suffer."

"Tsuzuki..."

He smiled at the insecure man, at the wide-eyed, pleading look.

"Think about it," he repeated. "Act on what you feel." Tsuzuki drained the lemonade and rose. "If you need someone to talk to, you know where to find me. I'll be there, at any time."

"Thanks," was the soft whisper.

Tsuzuki quietly left the apartment, leaving Watari to contemplate his words, and he dearly hoped his friend would be able to work this out, come to terms with what was haunting him. There was much more behind the ever happy-go-lucky facade than Tsuzuki would have imagined in his wildest dreams. And he hoped that he would come to talk, if not with him than with somebody else.

Soon.

° ° °

Hisoka had kept out of the whole 'counseling' by his own choice. He had let Tsuzuki take the lead since his partner was, as he had to confess, more empathic than the empath himself. Tsuzuki could relate to people, could listen, did listen, and he had a shoulder to cry on, Hisoka, despite his ability to read emotions, shied away from this side of human contact.

Ever since coming to work with Tsuzuki though, that had changed. Tsuzuki was like a force of nature that didn't leave you much choice, that swept you along, and slowly but surely Kurosaki Hisoka had changed his approach.

And he had learned a lot more than just being a friend.

Still, he had kept back at first in that case. Yes, it was a case and the culprit had been found. Now damage control had to step in and while Tsuzuki was part of that control, so was Hisoka.

Because Hisoka had an experience he shared with Watari that Tsuzuki didn't, and hopefully would never experience.

Hisoka found their friend where he had expected him- in the lab. It had been cleaned and the trashed equipment had been replaced. The computer was as good as new, though most settings from the original machine had still to be written onto the new one, and nothing showed of the shadows' attack.

Nothing but memories.

But memories couldn't be painted over and polished to look like new. They had to be dealt with.

Hisoka sat down at Watari's side, looking at his friend's haunted, sunken in eyes and almost gray pallor. Every inch of him ached with sympathy for Watari, and not only because he was an empath and could tell only too well how the other man was feeling. 003 hooted a greeting and nipped at Watari's ear, getting the man's attention at last.

"Tell me," Hisoka said without preamble.

No nice words could ever soften the real question that would be asked sooner or later.

"What's there to tell?" Watari shook his head. "You know what happened already. I poisoned my lover, he... " his voice trailed away, and Watari buried his face in his hands with a groan, the wave of emotions making Hisoka shiver, though he had expected them.

_Have to work on my shields some more._

"Not that."

"What else do you wanna know?"

"Who were you, Watari Yutaka?"

Golden eyes looked at him in surprise. Shinigami usually didn't ask each other about their pasts, because the fact itself that they were shinigami spoke volumes.

"You know about my past, Yutaka, You've met my family. You probably even know that Muraki... He raped me before he killed me."

Watari blinked.

"I never got the chance to love someone before I met Tsuzuki, and he is... well, he's Tsuzuki."

A faint smile tugged at Watari's lips.

"But I died at the age of sixteen, so what's there to experience of life? You, on the other hand, you're a scientist, have how many doctorates?"

"Three," Watari whispered, and this time it was Hisoka blinking in surprise.

He had meant the question only rhetorically, not knowing that there was indeed more than one.

"See? I didn't know that. Bet the others don't, too."

"Seii does."

"What doesn't he know, Yutaka?" Hisoka asked softly. "There's so much pain in you, it's screaming at me. You hide it well, but lately ... especially recently..."

Watari shot him a glance.

"Never figured you for the counselor type, Hisoka."

He shrugged. "Well, we all have hidden talents."

Hisoka felt a little switch in Watari's emotional state and braced himself. Here we go. He had asked and part of him had known that maybe, just maybe, he would get an answer.

Here it was.

Watari started to talk.

tbc...


	8. part 8

  
**A/N: whoops, I uploaded the chapters in the wrong order... sorry... now it's the correct way ;)**

"And he... let's just say he liked me helpless. Liked inflicting pain. Thankfully he drew the line at sharing..."

Watari didn't really know what had ridden him to tell Hisoka of all people his story, all the gory details of how his one and only love of his mortal life had used to use him, abuse him in every possible way. It had been rare occasions, but every once in a while Yuki had been more than just a little rough. Sometimes it had hurt like hell, being tied down, listening to Yuki's acid words and biting down on the gag as not to scream when he hit him. And later... especially later, when Yuki had spread him open and buried his fingers into his hair, holding his head back when he had buried himself into his body...

But he had loved Yuki, and Yuki had loved him, had he not?

No. He had used him. And killed him when he hadn't been of any more use.

When he had arrived in Meifu it hadn't been much better, letting himself get attached to the computer as... a human interface? Living ROM extension? But that he had never told anybody and didn't plan on doing anytime soon.

"He used me, and I allowed him to do so. I didn't fight it."

Watari felt arms closing around him almost hesitantly and he looked through his tear-blurred visionwhen had the tears started to fall anyway?into Hisoka's green eyes, utterly surprised now at the gentle gesture.

Hisoka wasn't one for tenderness. At least not toward others than Tsuzuki.

"Yes, you did," the boy said softly. "And you still do. How long do you plan on giving him that right?"

"W- what?"

"How long do you plan on letting him do that to you? When are you planning to stop being the victim and regain control over your life?"

"Hisoka...?"

"You know I'm right. He has been controlling you since you were sixteen and you let him because you didn't know better. Now you do and he still has influence over your life, even over you, your actions, the way you think about yourself? The man is dead, Yutaka. Let him rest."

"Hisoka, I don't..."

"I know. All I say is let go."

His arms tightened around Watari as a dam broke and tears started to fall for real. The floodgates were open, the memories rushed past his inner eyes, and all that pain mixed with the experience that had launched the whole thing.

Watari cried; and for the first time he did so for real.

Hisoka held the sobbing man, felt the tears soak his shirt, but he didn't care. He held on to the trembling form, felt hands clench into his t-shirt, twisting the fabric, and he ran a gentle caress over the mass of blond hair. His shields were holding, warding off the whirlpool of emotional overload radiating off the older shinigami. He didn't need to 'read' Watari any more.

Finally he looked up to meet the thoughtful gaze of his own lover. He had known Tsuzuki had been there, a silent witness in the background, unnoticed by Watari, and had been thankful the older man hadn't intervened.

For a while, throughout the most horrific parts of Watari's tale, when Hisoka had fought with his own emotions, he had latched onto the well-known and loved presence of his partner. Tsuzuki had, knowingly or unknowingly, been his anchor.

Violet eyes met green ones, and Hisoka scowled, only to be rewarded with a faint smile and a nod before Tsuzuki slipped back out.

°

Soothing hands stroke over his back, and Watari sniffed.

"... sorry ... "

"Don't be."

"It's just... I don't know how... its been with me all my life, and..."

"Look, I don't tell you to just get over it, because it's not that simple," Hisoka said evenly. "But how about making the first step? I know it's not easy but I made it, too.

And guess what I realized? By dwelling on my own misery I almost missed the best thing that ever happened to me. Sure, it's not easy. Sometimes I'm with Tsuzuki and suddenly I see cold silver eyes looking down on me or hear other words whispered in my ears, but... I don't feel it, you know? I always know it's not him. It's not a nightmare. It's warmth and love and I let myself feel it. I need to feel it, and Tsuzuki gives it freely. You always know it's not Yuki. And whoever the guy was who raped you, it certainly wasn't the man who loves you. Tatsumi is a dangerous man, but hey... aren't we all?"

Watari stared at Hisoka, dumbstruck. He had never heard the boy say so many words in a row, much less holding a speech like that or be that open to anybody. The things he had just told him... Watari hadn't known what Hisoka really had suffered, and... they hit home.

"Hisoka..." he stammered.

"Just think about it, Watari. Whatever you want to do from now on, it's your decision. If you really want Tatsumi, still want him, you'll have to do something about it, both of you. There are people who will help you, but you have to make the first step. Talk to him, Watari. The man misses you."

And I miss himgods, so much... Maybe he's right?

"Hisoka?"

"Hn?"

"Thank you."

The answer was a little dismissive snortso like the Hisoka he knewand Watari couldn't help grinning through his tears. He wrapped the smaller shinigami in a tight hug, and felt the hug being returned.

Maybe Hisoka wasn't a counselor, but he was a damn good friend.

° ° °

Hisoka stepped into his apartment and closed the door behind him, not quite expecting the arms that were wrapped around him immediately. But he had known the other person to be present and that he posed no threat. It was like a gentle presence that his empathic mind had already catalogued as belonging to Hisoka, and he was never surprised by it. Early on, in the first few weeks, the surprise had happened. Tsuzuki's sudden appearance, his emotional overloads when he was excited or angry for example, had floored Hisoka more often than not.

He had answered those tsunamis with stronger shields.

Now he answered the gentle presence lapping at the edges of his mind with open arms, inviting him in, letting the life and love embrace him.

Tsuzuki wasn't without his own demons, but somehow, he was balm for Hisoka's soul.

As the arms tugged at his waist he allowed himself to be pulled against Tsuzuki, leaning into the other's presence as well as his body.

"You did good, Hisoka," a dark voice muttered softly, and he turned a little, meeting his lover's lips, before freeing himself from the embrace.

"Why? Because I told Watari the truth?" he almost snarled. His defenses were suddenly rising.

He hated to go back to that part of his past again. Not twice in a day. Not even twice in a damn year.

"Especially because you told Watari the truth," Tsuzuki agreed gently.

Violet eyes were following his every move through the apartment, which had changed profoundly during the last months. Where it had been sparsely, almost spartansimply functional, he had stated; sterile, Tsuzuki had counteredthere were pictures on the walls now, flowers and plants on the windowsill, cushions and throw pillows on the couch, even some candles. The neutral beige and black colors had made way for much more warmer ones, like sunny yellow or earthy red tones. It all melted together into comfortable and homey. Hisoka hadn't exactly planned on changing it; it all had started with a simple plant Tsuzuki had brought one day. The plant had stayed, as had Tsuzuki.

A hand snaked around his wrist, pulling him out of his thoughts and onto the couch... and the warm body already resting on it.

"Tsuzuki," Hisoka protested, only halfheartedly, and Tsuzuki didn't react to that protest, nothing but pulling him close and bringing their lips together.

Heat coiled in his belly as Hisoka willingly opened his barriers, letting in the love, and the lust, too, allowing it to pull him into its seductive depths. Moaning softly he let his fingers starting to wander.

tbc...


	9. part 9

Fingers were brushing over his bare skin, leaving a fiery trail behind before they dove lower, slipping behind the waistband of his pants, making his hips twitch. Tsuzuki groaned, grabbing the wandering hand and stopping it before it could start to move any further. 

Opening his eyes he met the puzzled green ones of his partner. 

"Asato?" Hisoka asked. 

Of course he would know. 

"Hisoka, I... I want you... " 

"Apparently." There was a tell me something else, idiot' expression in the young face. 

"Geez, would you cut that out?" Tsuzuki felt himself flare. "I want you like... I want to know how..." 

Green eyes widened and Hisoka pulled back his hand. 

"You want me to take you?" he asked tonelessly, and Tsuzuki nodded. 

He had wanted to bring the subject up much earlier, but it had never been the right time. He remembered only too well how much time had passed by until their first shy kiss, remembered the feeling of Hisoka's naked smooth skin under his hands or how it had felt when he had been caressed by his lover's hands. 

It had been a large step for the both of them, widening their trust into one another far enough to explore each other's body, to allow themselves to finally let go, let the other see layers of themselves that had been hidden deep inside. 

Tsuzuki remembered how Hisoka had been the one initiating the last step, encouraging him, coaxing him, in fact seducing him into taking him. It had been so wonderful, so awesome to finally be with his lover, to see those huge green eyes mist over with desire instead of pain, feeling him tremble as Hisoka had taken his face into his hands, kissing him with all he was worth. 

I know you're not him,' he had whispered harshly, I feel you, Asato.' 

And he had given Hisoka everything of him, every little bit he had been able to, was able to, everything he would ask and everything he wouldn't because he was too stubborn or too proud. 

Tsuzuki knew Hisoka had been a loner but hurt, remembered how Hisoka had whimpered in his arms as Touda's hellfire had started to lick at them, and it had been words of love and loneliness  Hisoka would go where he would go, and if that meant death, so be it. It had been the last piece in the puzzle to finally open Tsuzuki's eyes to the fact that he indeed had fallen in love with his partner. 

Now he wanted to give Hisoka himself. 

"I want to feel you inside me, koi." 

"Asato..." 

It seemed to be one of those rare occasions when Hisoka was speechless. 

"Hisoka, you know how much I want it." He ran a caress over one pale cheek. "You can feel it as much as I do. Please..." 

"Asato..." 

_Oh, Enma's name... do I still have to tell you how to seduce someone, Tsuzuki?_

The dark rumbling voice startled him and Tsuzuki nearly yelped. Instead he mentally whirled around, facing the bond to his shikigami that he had all but forgotten. 

_Touda! _

_The one and only. Now, if you're not going to get some action tonight, I certainly don't plan on missing it _ the fire serpent continued, smirking. 

_Touda! _ he growled, embarrassment flooding him. 

Too much information. Way too much information about two of his shikigami! 

_You said that before. I have a very enticing young man here who definitely isn't shy on that subject... _

Images flooded across the link and Tsuzuki fought his reaction to the eroticism, the emotions, the primal feelings... 

_Since when are you letting Byakko on top? _he finally called. 

Tsuzuki's face grew beet red as he realized what had just slipped him  he really had no idea about his shikigami's love life and there were some things he really really didn't want to know about it, either. 

_I at least am going to get any tonight. You on the other hand... _was the lazy reply, accompanied by what could be a purr. 

Could snakes purr? 

_Oh shuddup! _

Touda laughed in his mind before he softly closed down the connection, and Tsuzuki returned his attention toward the young man he had in his arms. 

"Touda, hm?" 

Hisoka had once told him he was able to sense the serpent's presence within him. In the beginning it had been painful and Tsuzuki had felt bad about it, but over time and maybe because Touda had changed so much as well, things had become... normal. 

Right... 

His shikigami sending porn across the link was normal? 

_It's not porn, Tsuzuki. It's education. _

He slammed the link shut, but not before feeling Touda's amusement. 

"Yeah. Now... alone at last." 

Hisoka stroked over his skin, his expression thoughtful. 

"You really want this?" he asked quietly. 

"Yes." 

"Asato..." 

"Hisoka, I love you. Very, very much. I want this, and I want it with you." 

Hisoka pulled him into a deep, sensual kiss and Tsuzuki went with the flow, giving himself to the emotions he felt. 

° 

Tsuzuki lay in the arms of his lover, feeling numb and over-sensitive in one. He was breathing hard, skin slick with now drying sweat, and gentle hands stroked over that hot skin, soothing instead of arousing. 

Hisoka kissed his shoulder and neck, keeping in fully body contact, hands never stilling. Tsuzuki finally caught one of those hands and interlaced their fingers. 

He felt pleasantly tired and exhausted. 

Warm. 

Very... pleased. 

"I love you," he murmured and Hisoka gave him such a rare, gentle smile, one that was only shown to the older shinigami in the privacy of their home. 

_Well done, grasshopper _ Touda whispered and Tsuzuki was too tired to feel embarrassed. He had probably dropped the shields of the bond. 

So be it. 

Revenge. 

Hisoka let him snuggle up, held him as he fell asleep, cocooned in the arms of his lover and the blanket of their bed. 

° ° ° 

In GensouKai, Touda grinned to himself, feeling as pleased as his master. 

"Finally! It was about time!" he muttered as he got up. 

Byakko stretched, very much cat-like, and shot him a quizzical look. "Don't tell me they really did it?" 

"Yep. Congratulations are in order." 

Byakko smiled widely, tail dancing. "Want to send some flowers?" he teased. 

Touda picked up a pillow and threw it at his naked lover. Byakko caught it, laughing. The fire serpent was relieved that the two shinigami had finally taken the last step and by the gentle waves emitting from the sleeping man, he didn't regret it. He felt good. Touda's smile grew warmer, deeper. Tsuzuki feeling so good, so at peace with himself, was a very good feeling for him in return. 

A pillow hit him square in the face. 

"You're day-dreaming," Byakko snickered as he darted past him. 

Touda growled, completely caught off guard, and made a grab for the younger shikigami, but missed. He heard Byakko's laughter from the bathing room and followed him, slower, with more dignity. 

Yes, things were good. 

° ° ° 

Tatsumi rubbed his burning eyes before he slipped his glasses back on, looking tiredly at the pile of papers and files that were currently occupying his desk. He was tired, hell, he was beyond tired. But if he gave in to that he would start to think, start to dream again. A slight knock on his door pulled him back from his musings and he answered it. The sight of the blond head that peeked through the partially open door made his heart skip a beat. 

Watari... 

"Watari, what can I do for you?" Tatsumi asked as levelly as he could muster. 

"Heard you're playing work animal again and thought you'd like some coffee," Watari answered. There was a hint of apprehension in his voice as he put a steaming mug in front of Tatsumi. 

"Thank you." 

"Then again you look as if you had more than enough caffeine. Maybe I should've brought you some tea in..." 

Watari's voice trailed off and Tatsumi saw the wince, as the man in front of him crumpled slightly. 

"Coffee will suffice, thank you. Is there anything else?" 

Damn, he knew he sounded like a cold hearted bastard but he just couldn't stand to see that gentle soul suffer, the pain in those beloved golden eyes. Watari seemed to slump at his words and shook his head. 

"No-" 

"If you'd excuse me then..." 

Flipping open a file that was next to him Tatsumi stared at the words, not really seeing a single one of them. The sound of the door being closed made him wince. Inhaling deeply he reached for the mug noticing the tremble of his fingers  and froze. He wasn't alone. 

"Watari..." 

"No! I have enough of this. I refuse to stay a victim, goddamnit, and we will sort this out." Watari stalked over to his desk, sitting down in the chair in front of it and crossed his arms. "We will talk, and we will do it now. " 

The sheer force behind the words shocked Tatsumi. He stared at the blond shinigami. 

"Yutaka..." 

"Listen. What you did was... I can't tell you how it was for me. I know that you're not responsible for it. I will have to work on this, but... Seiichiro, I still love you, and I miss you." 

"Taka, I miss you, too. If there's anything I can do..." 

"As a matter of fact there is. Today is Friday. You know the Tokyo Ran Club at the corner of 5th? Be there at eight, sharp." 

Tatsumi watched wide eyes as his lover rose and walked to the door, still not quite able to grasp what exactly was going on. 

"Oh, and Seiichiro? Dress nicely." 

Watari closed the door of his lab behind him and leaned against it, his heart hammering in his chest. Damn, all he had done was talk to his lover and invite him - no, rather order him on a date. He had stated he didn't want to stay a victim any longer, and boy, wasn't that the truth. He had had a lot of talks with Tsuzuki - and Hisoka, for that matter - and all the things his friends had told him had actually helped. A bit. Now it was time to act on it, if he wanted his lover back, and if he ever wanted himself back. Watari slid down the closed door, resting his head on his knees, waiting for the tremors shaking his body to subside. There was a soft hooting sound and 003 landed on one knee, huge owl eyes full of worry. 

He gave her a watery smile and stretched out a shaking hand, petting his little shikigami. 

"Don't worry, 003. I have no idea how, but I'll manage. I want him, I know that now. And I only needed one year to understand how much." 

tbc... 


	10. part 10

Five minutes to eight Tatsumi stepped into the large entrance hall of the Club, looking around and inwardly cocking one eyebrow. It was a dance club, yes, but from the looks of it it also held nice booths that granted people some privacy. Folding his coat he took in the atmosphere, watched the clientele and looked for the blond head he knew so well. 

"Can I help you, sir?"

The man addressing him was wearing a dark suit; only a little patch with the Club insignia gave him away as waiter.

"Tatsumi Seiichiro. I might be expected."

"Yes, sir, indeed. If you'd follow me, please."

The waiter made an inviting gesture and led the way through dancing couples and chatting patrons to the far end of the club where it appeared to be a little more private, more... intimate.

Watari was already there, waiting for him in one of those booths and nursing a drink. Tatsumi slid into the booth beside his lover, smiling politely at the waiter who took his order for a drink and disappeared silently.

"You're on time." Watari said, sipping at his wine.

"Of course."

"Didn't expect you to be anything but."

"Taka, why did you ask me here?"

Golden eyes met his, pulled him in with their intensity. "You're no one to beat around the bush, aren't you? I asked you here because I need to see you - Seiichiro my lover, not Tatsumi the secretary, or the Shadow Master. I asked you here because we're not back to square one... we're way beyond square one. I asked you here because I want you back."

"Taka.. "

Watari lifted a hand, silencing whatever Tatsumi had wanted to say.

"What happened wasn't your fault. It was my carelessness and it backfired. But I really hope we can work this out together." Those eyes grew even more intense, the expression on Watari's face changing. "I... I need you, Seii. I don't know when I will be able to let you near me again but... I miss you. Not just the sex, but all the other little things."

"Gods, so do I," Tatsumi uttered hoarsely, "like knowing you'll be there when I wake up in the morning, even if you're not in the room with me. Like knowing you are looking at the same stars at night, even if you're not with me; or you cooking Brussels sprouts for me even if you hate that stuff yourself, just because I like it."

Huge golden eyes stared at him in disbelief.

"Who are you and what have you done to my lover? Gee, you have it bad, don't you?" He gave a little laugh of disbelief, not more than a breath.

"Just because I love you."

There was a long moment of silence before Watari smiled faintly at him.

"I know," he simply said.

"Taka? Do you think we could... work this out together?"

"I honestly don't know," Watari answered quietly, "but I'll try. I want to try."

The waiter appeared with their drinks and Tatsumi took a sip of his, staring into the fizzy amber liquid.

"'Taka, what exactly did I do?" he whispered after a while. "I mean, I know what I did, but I can't remember. It's like a dream, a faint feeling, but that's it. What did I do?"

Watari inhaled deeply before he asked his own question. "What do you remember?"

"Having tea with you. You were waiting for the results of your research to come through, and I wanted to go back to the office. I kissed your neck... next thing I know is I'm laying on the floor, you underneath me, and you're crying. I've never seen you cry, Taka."

Tatsumi watched as Watari's hands clenched around the glass he was holding, but his lover's voice was stable.

"What you did is quite simple. Yes, you kissed my neck, I said no. You locked the door, and the next second you're all over me..."

Watari kept on recalling the events almost emotionlessly and Tatsumi felt himself getting more and more sick.

God, he hadn't known he had broken his lover's wrist... had he really been that violent? There was the faint memory of Watari's voice pleading him to stop, to not do it... and all of that should have been caused by tainted tea?

He knew he was shaking, that his hands were by now clenched tightly around the napkin that had been on the table, bunching it into a ball of fabric that would never be a napkin again.

He had... used his shadows?

Of course he had. He had seen the result, the destruction.

But he had... he had... Watari?

A hand touched him, pulled him out of the vortex, and he blinked, trying to focus. When he finally did so, it was to look into a pair of empathic golden eyes. Eyes that were swimming with emotions, with unshed tears.

"'Taka," he croaked. "I didn't... I'd never... I can't remember!" he moaned helplessly.

But Watari could.

Each and every second of it all.

"I know, Seii. I know you can't. The tea... it was no longer green tea. It was a personality-altering substance. It was something hideous and sneaky, and the concentration was too high for your body to fight it like the first time."

The first time. Yes...

He had just been rough, demanding, taking what he wanted, but he hadn't hurt him.

The second time...

Tatsumi had to get out of the Club, had to get some air, but he didn't want to run. He didn't want to give the impression that he was running away from it all. He just wanted some open space and oxygen to clear his head.

"'Taka... can we leave?" he pleaded softly. "Just... walk?"

Watari nodded and after slapping some bills onto the table, the two men left.

It was a clear, warm night. Nice, actually.

Tatsumi's thoughts were far from enjoying anything like that. His mind was whirling.

Their walk began in silence, but he knew he had to say something soon. Watari had just spilled the whole sordid tale, without breaking down, and here he was, Tatsumi, Master of Control, and he was losing it.

Over something he couldn't remember.

"I'm sorry sounds terrible," he whispered after a while.

Watari stopped and looked at him. "It wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could do. It was a chemical process inside your mind."

"But maybe - it set something free that has always been there."

Golden eyes reflected the light of the lamps, looking calmer than Tatsumi thought his lover should feel. "We all have the same emotions, the whole range of them, inside us. We have all the good sides and the bad sides, the love and the violence. The stuff that you drank... it erased the good side. It turned loose the bad. It would have done the same with, well, anyone. Like Tsuzuki. It wasn't your fault!"

"Will you ever be able to stand my touch again?"

Those eyes looked at him with a hint of desperation. "I want to, Seii. And more. I want to be able to not only stand your touch but enjoy it. I know how your touch can be like; I know you can be gentle and soft, or passionate. I want to be able to touch you myself. I want to ... I want to love you again."

"I never stopped loving you."

"I know. On some level I know."

"I love you," Tatsumi whispered.

Both men looked at each other, neither making a step forward. Tatsumi so badly wanted to embrace the slender form, hold him, just hold him, but it wouldn't be the next step.

They spent the rest of the walk in silence, each man lost in his own thought and in the presence of the other. Arriving at Watari's apartment there was a moment of awkwardness, before Tatsumi dared to ask.

"'Taka... may I... kiss you?"

Watari nodded slowly and Tatsumi bent forward slowly, careful as not to corner the other man, until almost tentatively their lips met, brushed featherlike over each other, almost as shy as their first kiss had been. Only that this time they were even more careful. It was sweet and loving and Tatsumi enjoyed every second of it. Reaching out he brushed his fingers through the long silken strands that framed Watari's face, longing for their tickling on his skin as much as he longed for the man himself.

And then Watari tensed. Tatsumi realized he had come closer, almost bringing their bodies together and he stepped back apologetically, only hesitantly breaking the contact with his lover.

"Sorry," he whispered.

"Don't be," Watari answered softly.

And suddenly he was there in his arms, bringing their lips together once more. It didn't last long, Tatsumi let go at the first signs of shivers running through that slender body, but the feeling of maybe being able to have Watari close again was enough at the moment.

Watari stared at him, eyes wide, slightly wild, and he was breathing hard. Whether from the kiss or the on-set of panic was hard to tell. His skin was flushed.

"I'm sorry. I will need time," he murmured.

"I know. Take as much as you need."

Tatsumi smiled reassuringly and was rewarded with a hesitant smile.

"Good-night, Seii."

"Good-night, Taka."

Tatsumi watched his lover disappear into the apartment complex he was living in and he felt his heart grow heavy.

_It's easier for you, Seiichiro_, he thought to himself, _you don't remember. He does. He has to live with the memories and your presence._

Tatsumi prayed, for the first time in his undead life, that he would be given the chance to heal the wounds he had inflicted on this soul.

Because he loved Watari.

So very, very much.

tbc...


	11. part 11

It had been two days since that talk and Tatsumi had given his lover room. They had seen each other at work, had even had a coffee outside work once or twice, but otherwise there had been little private contact. 

Alone at home, Tatsumi spent a lot of that time reading. Like right now. He had curled up, pillows stuffed under his head, the bedside lamp turned on, and he was reading.

Work papers.

Reports.

Budget figures.

Watari would have a conniption, he mused to himself.

Tatsumi blinked at the little plopping sound that indicated someone had arrived in his apartment via teleportation. Since each of their apartments was shielded against unauthorized entry it could only be one person- and that appearance seemed highly unlikely to the Shadow Master. And yet here he was, in his bedroom...

"Watari? What...?" he stuttered.

"It was so cold at home," Watari simply replied as he lifted the blanket and slid underneath, cuddling against him.

"Taka? What are you doing?"

"Sleeping with you," Watari murmured, already half asleep.

Tatsumi carefully put his glasses onto the nightstand, closing his arms around the slender form of his lover hesitantly. Watari sighed dreamily and snuggled closer, and Tatsumi placed a loving kiss on the blond head before he allowed himself to relish in the feeling of having Watari Yutaka so close again, having him trust him enough to just sleep in his arms.

It was an astonishing feeling.

It was even more astonishing to find Watari still in his arms the next morning when he woke. He watched him sleep, reveling in the sensations that evoked, and he waited for his lover to wake.

When he did, Tatsumi immediately gave him room, but Watari's hand stopped him. He smiled sleepily, hair tousled, and leaned forward for a little kiss.

"Good morning," he whispered.

Tatsumi felt like weeping as he returned the tender contact. "Good morning, 'Taka."

There was nothing else. Shower  alone - breakfast, and a good-bye kiss after that. But having Watari there, with him... it had felt like a monumental achievement.

And it was.

° ° °

More days passed by.

Matters in the Shokan Division returned to normal. There were the cases, the reports, budget figures to bitch over, and Tsuzuki.

Especially Tsuzuki.

The other shinigami was watching both Watari and Tatsumi closely, but without crowing either man. He was Watari's best friend, which was his reason to hang around the lab a lot, talk, chat, sometimes have a serious moment or two.

Hisoka was keeping his own watch and when Watari sought him out in a quiet afternoon, asking if he had a moment, the boy knew it was serious.

The talk was, but it wasn't as emotionally heavy as the first one. From then on, Watari and he set up almost regular meetings. Tsuzuki just smiled, watching it all.

Tatsumi had thrown himself into work head first. He needed the distraction and while Konoe never asked for details, Tatsumi knew that his boss knew more than anyone thought or suspected. You didn't get to be chief of the Shokan Division by not knowing what went on around you.

Of course he had known about the attack; of course he had known what the cause had been in the end- reports traveled. But he also seemed to know the deeper emotional effects this had had on two of his men, and like many he watched.

Except for one evening when Tatsumi was still in the office. The sun was already down and almost all were home.

Tatsumi was surprised by the appearance of his boss, a soft knock giving him a second of warning.

"Konoe?" he asked. "What can I do for you?"

"You could give the reports a break and go home," was the mild suggestion as the older man smiled at him.

The tie was off, the first two buttons of the shirt undone. Konoe looked like he was just leaving himself.

"I, ah, sure. In a moment."

"I know it's none of my business and that you two work at your own speed, but don't you think that for a healing to continue, both parties have to be there. And awake enough?"

Tatsumi stared stupidly at him.

Konoe just smiled more. "Go home, Tatsumi. Go home and leave work here. There's too much else you have to do, and you don't need the distraction."

With that he turned and left the dumbstruck man alone.

Tatsumi left twenty minutes later, but he didn't go straight home. He actually ended up in a bar, sipping a beer, contemplating the last few days. Watari had made return visits, just snuggling up to him, the two men falling asleep. There had been shy kisses, a caress, but never anything more. Nothing that would end with a closer encounter.

Watari needed time.

Watari had to make the next step.

Watari had to decide...

It hurt. It hurt a lot to have that familiar body in his arms and not be able to do anything. Tatsumi wanted to run his hand down that slender back, along the spine, feel each vertebrae. He wanted to bury his fingers in the golden strands, that mass of hair, and kiss his lover, taste him, having him flush against his body. He wanted to feel those agile finger touch him, arouse him, soothe him.

But Watari set the speed.

And he would wait.

Tatsumi emptied the beer and slowly walked home, thoughts drifting.

You mean too much to me, Taka, to do anything rash now. We've come so far.

And they had.

And they would go further.

° ° °

"Hey."

Tatsumi looked up, meeting large amber eyes.

Watari stood in the door, holding a small plate with a sweet treat in front of him like an offering to appease an angry deity.

"I rescued this from Tsuzuki. It's really good... Want to try?" he offered.

Tatsumi found himself nodding. "Sure."

The plate was placed onto his desk, careful not to disturb the papers strewn everywhere.

"I...ah... wanted to thank you," Watari stuttered suddenly.

"What for?" Tatsumi bit into the sweet and found himself pleasantly surprised. It tasted like honey.

"The sleep-overs."

Blue eyes met golden ones and the shadow master found himself at a loss for words. He placed the sweet down and licked his sticky lips.

"You're always welcome at my home, 'Taka."

"I know. It's just..." He stopped.

There was an almost palpable tension filling the air between them all of a sudden, a tension that hadn't been there in a long time.

Tatsumi inhaled, suddenly moving, stepping in front of his lover almost hesitantly. Watari's eyes followed his every move, as if locked onto his person, and Tatsumi could see the pulse at his neck flutter.

He longed to kiss that point.

Lifting his hand Tatsumi brushed through the mass of silky strands that was Watari's hair, and he more sensed that actually saw Watari lean into his touch. Combing through the long hair carefully, simply enjoying the closeness Watari allowed him, he had the feeling as if he could remain here for all eternity.

"I always loved your hair, Taka," he whispered gently.

Watari made a soft sound, not really as gasp or even a moan, but encouraging nevertheless. Tatsumi closed his eyes, burying his face in the silky veil, inhaling Watari's scent, the scent he had missed for so long. He had hugged the pillow Watari had used to sleep on but the scent was beginning to fade already.

Gods, how he loved this man. How he missed him.

Opening his eyes slowly, Tatsumi found his lover staring over his shoulder at the wall, his face mirroring his fighting emotions.

"Taka?" he asked, his heart hammering in his chest with fear. Oh, please, don't...

Amber eyes turned to him, and though Watari didn't say a word, Tatsumi understood. And this time his heart did skip a beat.

Bending down slowly, Tatsumi carefully brought their lips together, brushing over his lover's even more gently than their very first kiss had been.

'We're not back to square one,' Watari had said, we're even beyond square one.'

Featherlike, not more than a butterfly's touch, he could feel Watari inhale, and with a deep feeling of sadness be pulled back.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, feeling his heart crack even more.

"Me, too," Watari's voice sounded hoarse.

There was a timeless moment when they both just stood there, staring. Then Watari made a broken sound- and flung his arms around his neck. The Shadow Master stumbled, finding himself with an armful of sobbing scientist, arms closing around the too thin body instinctively.

"Taka!"

"Oh, Seii ... I missed you so much ... "

Tatsumi tightened his embrace, holding his lover even closer as he again buried his face into his hair. Inhaling the beloved scent deeply he could feel his own heart beginning to mend.

"Taka... I love you. Don't leave me..."

He knew he was begging, that it was a plea, but he couldn't care less.

Watari couldn't answer, his body was shaking with sobs too hard. But his arms tightened in an unspoken reply.

And Tatsumi allowed his own tears to finally fall.

Nothing happened that night. Nothing but what all the other nights had occurred anyway. Tatsumi held his partner in his arms, felt his warm presence, and he smiled sleepily.

It was enough.

One step at a time.

And they had all the time in the world.

tbc...


	12. part 12

Tatsumi stretched his aching back and sighed tonelessly. Even shinigami weren't immune to muscle cramps from being hunched far too long over a deskand damn if they didn't hurt like hell. 

Well, a hot shower sounded nice, but that had to wait.

He had to work.

Throughout the... incident, and the subsequent leave, reports had amassed, and while the others had tried to help, Tatsumi had to go over everything and straighten it all out a lot. And even after he was done with that, the case files were still coming in. To appease Konoe he had taken to clocking out on time, but he took work with him.

Sitting alone at home, hoping for Watari to come by for the night, was driving him crazy. There was only so much a man could do on his own, and only so often he could clean his place, turn everything upside down, and banish even the most resistant dust bunny from under the shelves.

It was well after sundown that Tatsumi finally moved from his kitchen table where he had stacked folders, files, books, disks, and single sheets of paper into haphazard piles that Tatsumi moved from his position.

He groaned softly. Damn, his back hurt.

There was a gentle disturbance around him and the plopping sound of someone teleporting into this placethere was only one who could.

"Hey, Seii," Watari greeted him, then his eyes fell on the kitchen table and the slightly disheveled man who blinked owlishly at him. "You took it all home again?" he exclaimed.

"I have a lot of catching up to do," Tatsumi mumbled and emptied his water bottle. He had stopped with coffee and tea a while ago and switched to simple water.

"You look like crap," Watari stated, eyeing him critically.

"Thank you," the Shadow Master replied, grumbling a little. "I needed to hear that."

"You did. Come on, you need to relax."

Watari caught Tatsumi completely off guard as he grabbed him and pulled him forcefully into the bedroom.

"'Taka...?"

Watari stroked over his shirt-clad back, but it was far from a caress. Those strong fingers dug into his muscle, and the blond frowned.

"Holy, what have you been doing all day? You have yourself tied into knots! Literally."

"It's nothing," Tatsumi replied, only to yelp when Watari pressed a thumb into one hard delta muscle.

"Uh-hn, sure. You have oil?"

"Whatever for?"

"Loosening you up, silly. Get rid of this," Watari pointed at the shirt, "and then lie down. On your stomach, if you will."

Tatsumi shrugged off his shirt and rolled onto his stomach, feeling the mattress dip as Watari straddled his hips. The well-known scent of the massage oil they had used on each other in the past filled the room, and then Watari hands were on his back and shoulders, spreading the warm oil before he started to get to work.

Getting your sore muscles kneaded into submission could be a painful experience, and Watari used every technique in the book, not only kneading and rubbing, but pressing on stubborn muscle knots until they surrendered and melted - which was very much what Tatsumi felt like doing after half an hour as well.

Watari knew what he was doing and he had given him backrubs before, which had almost always ended up in other, equally relaxing activities. Tatsumi literally purred under Watari's knowing hands, which had worked themselves deeper slowly.

Somewhere along the line he had lost his pants to make things easier for his lover, and now those hands were where his back wasn't anymore, having changed the quality of the ministrations from detached and therapeutic to very much seductive, and Tatsumi heard himself gasp when Watari hit a more sensitive spot.

The slick hands were gliding over his skin now, teasing his flanks, and Tatsumi felt the rising need to shift his position, adjusting himself a little before it would become very uncomfortable. Watari's breath ghosted over his skin as his lover bent over him to slide his hands over shoulders and down his upper arms.

Tatsumi drew up one leg, shifting a little to his side and Watari adjusted to his new position, running his fingers over his bare flanks and teasing his hips. When Watari leaned over him to place a kiss on his neck Tatsumi felt the unmistakable prove of his arousal brush over his bare behind, and he twitched involuntarily, bringing himself into contact with the jeans covered bulge once again.

A breathy moan escaped him and Watari snaked his hand around him, caressing one nipple while he gently bit his neck. Tatsumi moaned again, arching into both the touch and the light bite, the feeling of his lover's completely clothed body pressing against his own nudeness strangely erotic.

Watari pressed a leg between his, pushing them even further apart, and the scraping of rough denim against his skin, against some more sensitive body parts made Tatsumi whimper. Somehow it occurred to him that submitting to Watari's wishes felt surprisingly good and if the other would have chosen to take him here and now without any fuss he wouldn't protest. Most likely he would even beg for more.

As if Watari had read his mind his fingers wandered deeper, dipping between his spread cheeks and again Tatsumi moaned wordlessly, pushing himself against the slick fingers that teased him with just the promise of breaching.

"Taka..." Tatsumi groaned, short of pleading, and his lover showed mercy.

The Shadow Master clutched the sheets and gasped at the sensations, warring with his lover's harsh breaths on his skin. Watari had him panting and whimpering in no time, bucking and rubbing himself against the weight of his lover holding him down.

A part of his mind registered that Watari hadn't said a single word the entire time, but before he could get his misfiring brain cells to process that fact, Watari's fingers were replaced, and Tatsumi cried out, just reaching out and entwining their fingers as he started to move in this age old rhythm.

It wasn't payback, but it wasn't too gentle either, and Tatsumi enjoyed every minute of it. Finally Watari reached around his hips, rolling them both to their sides so he was able to spread his legs wider, feel him even deeper, and Tatsumi was glad to bury his fingers into Watari's silky mane and silencing his own sounds of pleasure with his lips. He had never thought that hearing Watari moan with pleasure would be able to push him over the edge but it left him sobbing into his lover's kiss with the force of his completion rushing through him like a tidal wave  and Watari followed his lead.

° ° °

"I slept with him."

Hisoka looked at Watari, eyebrows rising a fraction, but otherwise he showed no reaction. Inside though, he was giving a whoop of happiness.

So unlike him.

"You slept with Tatsumi?" he asked, wanting to confirm the fact.

Watari nodded.

They were sitting outside the Judicial Building, enjoying the warm sun, the lazy clouds drifting over a perfectly blue sky, and as always, the cherry trees were blooming. Watari had asked him if he wanted to spend the lunch break here, and Hisoka had easily read between the lines. The scientist had been very much lost in thought all morning.

So Watari had slept with Tatsumi. But not the other way around. That meant Watari had been the top?

Hisoka nodded to himself. Understandable. While his own relationship with Tsuzuki hadn't started like that, he had fought the same emotions.

"I slept with him," Watari repeated, voice sounding far away. "I didn't even bother to undress. I mean, he was naked. Completely. It started as a simple backrub and ... I don't know, heated up from there. He was laying there, looking so vulnerable ... and there I was, dressed... and I was in control, Hisoka. All the time. I was in control and he was there... and he let me take him. I just took what I needed and I never even bothered to ask. I didn't say a word... I just acted..."

Hisoka listened to the stumbling words, carefully using his abilities to read his friend. Watari was upset, but not dangerously close to a cliff. As it was, he was very much far away, but the events of the last night disturbed him.

"Did he try to take control?"

"No... no, he just let me do. Not that he was passive, Hisoka!" Watari added in a hurry. "He... he was with me, and I know he enjoyed it. He enjoyed it a lot. He told me. And he showed me. He was quite vocal about it... as vocal as Tatsumi is."

He stopped, embarrassment flushing the pale features.

"This morning... we kissed and cuddled, and I felt so... wonderful," Watari went on.

"That's good," Hisoka encouraged softly.

"But the way it happened..."

"Isn't important right now. What is important is that you felt good, that Tatsumi felt good. Did you have flashbacks?"

The blond head shook. "No."

"Did you hurt Tatsumi?"

"No!" Golden eyes widened in shock. "No, I would never... I would have stopped if he had... I mean, if he had told me to... if he had... resisted."

Watari looked suddenly very, very pale.

"I'd never do such a thing. I couldn't. I love him, Hisoka. So much."

Hisoka gave him another small smile and Watari sighed, shoulders slumping.

"No, I didn't hurt him. We switched before. We do so often. He likes it, I like it."

Hisoka nodded. "You've come a long way," he said softly.

"But not enough."

"Pushing won't help. It has to happen on its own. You can't force it."

Watari looked desolate. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to relax like that again, Hisoka," he whispered. "I think of the situation and I know Tatsumi won't hurt me... that he could never hurt me... that it wasn't him... and I freeze up and I can't go through with it."

The young empath was silent for a moment, feeling the waves of despair.

"Watari?"

Those huge, golden eyes looked at him.

"You'll always run into that wall. Always. I did and still do. With Tsuzuki and me... I was the more experienced part and I had been raped. Go figure. So I took the lead and I let Tsuzuki sleep with me, because I knew I would probably hurt him if it went the other way around."

He gazed up at the sky, through the canopy of dusky pink and white leaves.

"You're with the person you love. You know you want to experience that love, you want to sleep with him. Still, you only see what happened in the past. It's like a second rape, but you have to go through with it. At one point, your body will take over. There's only so much nerve endings can take, and then the sensations will flood you. And you will know that it's Tatsumi, not Yuki. He'll be the one touching you. I know it's Tsuzuki who is inside me, Watari. I can see him, feel him... touch him. Maybe empathy is a helper here, but you don't need it. You just know."

Watari swallowed convulsively. "I love him, Hisoka. I want him. I want to feel him..."

"And you will. You two took a lot of important steps already, and you will take the last one." Hisoka met and held the wide-eyed gaze. "There'll be a moment throughout it where you have to bite down, fight back the demons, and simply feel. See Tatsumi and feel, nothing else."

He had done the same. He had looked into those amethyst eyes, had seen Tsuzuki, and he had ignored the memories of silver eyes and silver hair, and the sadistic pleasure written on that handsome face.

He had gained so much.

Watari just nodded, silent, staring at the ground.

"Yutaka," Hisoka broke into his thoughts. "Feel. Just feel. Let that feeling guide you. Don't think about it. You know what you feel, you slept with Tatsumi before."

"Yeah."

There was a wistful note to his voice and Watari smiled a little.

tbc...


	13. part 13

Hisoka returned from his break to the sight and feeling of his partner. Tsuzuki was leaning against the wall, the sun playing with his dark hair, reflecting in those inhumanly colored eyes, and a smile was on the so strangely serene features. Hisoka stretched out his senses and caught a shiver of warmth. 

"Already done gobbling down the donuts?" the young empath asked gruffly.

He didn't want to talk about Watari or anything related to their friend. He knew Tsuzuki was aware what had transpired, that he knew about their frequent talks. Sometimes he prodded gently, offered an ear, and sometimes Hisoka talked.

Not today.

"It was cake," Tsuzuki said mildly, falling in step beside him. "Wakaba kept a piece for you."

"You can have it," Hisoka answered dismissively.

The warmth was like a rain shower now, caressing his skin. Why didn't he just pull up his barrier? The answer was simple: he wanted to feel it; he needed it.

"Thanks."

And Tsuzuki meant it.

They walked in silence.

"We've got a new case."

"Oh?"

Tsuzuki smiled. "Yes. Tatsumi told me to find you and start with it."

"Okay."

They continued walking, Hisoka still very much aware of Tsuzuki. He started to pull back gently, erecting his usual barriers that had to hold throughout work.

"We're helping out in Tokyo. They're being swamped with cases," his partner continued conversationally, then began detailing the case and Hisoka just listened to the gentle tones of his lover's voice as they went on their way to do what they were supposed to do.

Angels of death.

Retrieving lost souls.

And somewhere along the road they also loved and had a happiness Hisoka had never thought he would find in this afterlife. And they had friends. Friends they cared about and who needed them.

He smiled a little.

Somehow, the afterlife was a lot more than his life. The reason for that was walking by his side.

"Hisoka?" Tsuzuki asked, looking a bit puzzled as he stopped at a corner.

Green eyes looked into those wide amethyst ones and Hisoka grabbed the askew tie. He tugged gently and Tsuzuki bent automatically forward. He kissed his partner, gently, lovingly, and he felt Tsuzuki answer the kiss with the same tenderness.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Tsuzuki blinked. "Huh? What for?"

"Everything."

"Uh." Tsuzuki blinked, then gave him that wide, wonderful smile. "You're welcome... Hisoka."

Hisoka let go of the tie and smiled a little. "Let's go before Konoe gets a fit."

And they transported into the world of the living, going after their work.

° ° °

It had been a busy ten days. Watari had been holed up in his lab, working on his computer, on old cases, new cases, on whatnot. There had been the nights he had just crashed on the cot there, waiting for a program to run its course, and he had been up and awake the next morning, looking disheveled but pretty much pleased with his handiwork.

Tatsumi had tried not to bury himself in work, had taken to not expect Watari in his bedroom each and every night, and he enjoyed those moments alone when he did. Even if it was only to crash because he had transported into the apartment with his last coherent thought before the lights went out.

Those were the times when Tatsumi would watch him sleep, feeling so very, very glad that Watari was giving this a try.

They had slept together once before now. It had been Watari taking the initiative and Tatsumi had followed his lead. After that, there had been two more active occasions in bed, both a hand job.

They were making leaps, he knew. They were making progress.

How much he found out on day eleven after the first time. Watari had come off work on time, had accompanied him home, and they had cooked together. They had joked around in the kitchen, shooing 003 out of the salad, and had spent the dinner laughing and talking. It had been such a relaxed atmosphere...

After the dishes were in the dishwasher, Watari had happily announced that one of his favorite soaps was on and Tatsumi had simply rolled his eyes. He wasn't much of a soap fan, but he suffered the thirty minutes of outrageous plot and badly acted episode each time. Snuggled together, they continue to watch a quiz program, Watari answering each question with ease.

Tatsumi's hands began to stroke through the long hair, caress one shoulder and when Watari turned his face up, their lips met in a languid kiss.

The kiss grew more intense.

The TV program was tuned out.

And Watari's hands slipped under his shirt, over his bare skin, and Tatsumi pulled back with a gasp.

Gazing into the darkened eyes, he saw the desire in there, and he felt his own rise.

"'Taka?"

Watari rose fluidly, holding out one hand, and Tatsumi took it. He was led to the bedroom.

Clothes were shed and Tatsumi let his hands wander over the slender form, feeling the warmth, feeling the muscles move under the skin. Watari met his kisses with the same fervor, hands burying in the brownish strands of his hair, pulling him down onto the bed.

Running his fingers gently over smooth skin, cautious of every sign of discomfort, Tatsumi caressed Watari's stomach, his chest, his arms. He wanted Watari to grow accustomed to his touch, to his presence, even if they had been sleeping next to each other for so long now. He had woken with Watari in his arms, stroking over the man's clothes, and they had slept together once.

But that had been different. Watari had been in control and he had been fully dressed.

Now they were both naked.

And Watari lay on his back.

His lover had his eyes closed, his breath coming in short pants and his muscles were quivering whenever he met a hot spot. Deciding to up the ante a little Tatsumi let his lips wander over the body spread out before him, noticing how Watari gasped and shivered even more.

"You're sure this is all right with you, 'Taka?" he asked softly, letting his tongue delve into the delicious looking navel.

He was rewarded with a little hitch and a hand landed on his head gently.

"Yes, I am, and stop asking. I'll let you know if I don't like it, okay? But if it makes you feel better..." Watari grabbed his arms and with a jerk rolled them both around, coming to straddle his hips.

"Taka?"

"Shut up."

Tatsumi didn't get the chance to say anything else as a pair of hot lips closed over his, and this time it were hands on his body, slowly, tantalizing, but very much goal oriented. Watari suddenly stopped, and Tatsumi caught him looking down at him with an unreadable expression.

Last time he had been on his stomach, Watari above him. He had been a more helpless position and his lover hadn't been so vulnerable. This time... they were both naked. Not that Watari was helpless; he was a shinigami after all. But memories were a trap that opened suddenly, unexpectedly, and Tatsumi wondered if Watari was currently just hovering over one.

"Would you feel better if you tied me to the bedpost?" he suggested with a faint smile.

The reaction was immediate and absolutely not what he had expected. Watari's golden eyes turned dark with anger, and he grabbed his wrists, holding them down.

"Don't you ever suggest something like that again, Tatsumi Seiichiro! I'd never do that to you! Never!"

"Taka," Tatsumi breathed, shocked by the sudden outburst.

"Never! You hear me?" Watari demanded, voice rising.

"Taka, what...? I was just... This is our first time after I..."

"I know it is." Watari let go of his wrists.

"I thought it might make you feel... more secure."

Those expressive eyes filled with emotions. "Not by tying you down, Seii. Never by that." He inhaled deeply. "Believe me, I'm jumping over my own shadow here. My heart's beating in my throat, and not only because I'm horny. And not just because I'm frightened either. I want you, Seii, I want to feel you inside me again."

Tatsumi dared to touch one bent leg of the man still straddling him. He let his hand rest on the warm skin, doing nothing more.

"I... let's say I spoke to someone who knows," Watari whispered. "And he said a lot smart things to me I hadn't figured out on my own so far. The most important thing is that I love you, Tatsumi Seiichiro, and that you are you. You might have a twisted sense of humor sometimes.. don't deny it, I know you like frightening Konoe... but you'd never willingly harm any of us. Least of all me. So... let's create some new good memories for the both of us, why don't we?"

And all Tatsumi could think of was 'oh yes!' when Watari started to move, letting his hands glide all over his body, teasing here and tickling there, adding his lips and tongue to the sensuous mixture. When his lover reached over and produced the bottle of massage oil, letting some of the pleasantly fragranced liquid drip onto his stomach, Tatsumi grabbed the headboard and moaned, spreading his legs and concentrating on the feeling of Watari's skin sliding over his.

Watari massaged the oil into his skin in long languid strokes, paying special attention to every spot that elicited a moan, a gasp, or any other reaction, and Tatsumi couldn't do anything but go with the flow, close his eyes and enjoy. He felt Watari's hot breath ghost over his skin, closely followed by his lips and even teeth. Scraping over a nipple, Tatsumi had to bite his lower lip at the sensation that caused, arching helplessly into the body above him.

Every time Watari nipped or kissed his way down his body his long hair would glide over his skin, too, a tickling silken echo of his caresses. And oh, Watari did know only too well where to blow a featherlike kiss or where to give a little bite.

His inner thighs, for example, tingling with every soft nibble as Watari worked himself upwards... and Tatsumi shivered when the golden mass of his lover's locks brushed over him like a Chinese torture. He spread his legs farther, moaning a plea... but Watari wouldn't touch him.

"Taka... do whatever you want, but..." Tatsumi ended the sentence with a choked off cry when Watari finally did something.

The shadow master was already reduced to a whimpering mass, crying out again softly when he felt the sensation of a fingertip sliding between his buttocks, teasing and caressing only.

"Taka..." Tatsumi whimpered, gripping the headboard hard when his lover decided to up the ante a little, sucking him into his mouth.

The torture didn't last too long, because just when he thought he couldn't stand it any longer Watari stopped.

Damn, but the man could still read his reactions... The mattress dipped a little as his lover slid up his body again, straddling his hips... and then Tatsumi gasped, watching wide-eyed as Watari let himself sink down onto him, head falling back, his long golden hair cascading over his back, eyes closed and moaning softly.

_Oh gods, Taka_, was all he could think.

Leaning back, supporting himself on his thighs, Watari let his fingers wander over his own body, caressing himself as he started to move oh so slowly, and Tatsumi had to fight hard no to thrust up into his lover's body, but to stay calm at the incredible sight of Watari taking his pleasure from his body... very much like the first time they had been together.

The sheer beauty of the man engrossed in his own pleasure had almost overwhelmed him back then, and was doing its magic all over again. Muscles clenched around him and the Shadow Master groaned, hips jerking involuntarily.

"Taka," he groaned daring to touch his beloved now, caressing the soft skin of his thighs, noticing the softly gasped whimper, and he took the courage to move farther, touch his lover more boldly.

Hearing Watari respond with a little moan reassured Tatsumi, and he dared to move with his lover.

Until Watari stopped.

Golden eyes regarded him from above, and Tatsumi wondered for a split second what was wrong. Something had to be. Memories? Flashback? Oh please, no...,

Watari tightened his hold on him and rolled them both over again.

"Taka?" Tatsumi asked, breathless and more than just a little bit confused.

"Take my wrists."

It was nothing but a soft whisper, but still a command.

"What?"

"Take my wrists," Watari repeated.

The confusion turned into horrified realization. "Taka, that's ... no!"

"Do it!"

Something in Watari's tone or maybe in his eyes made Tatsumi obey. It had been a soft hiss, barely under control, and there was a plea underneath it all, woven into the desperation that worked through the younger man.

Carefully taking his lover's wrist he placed them above his head, but he refused to hold him down, just the weight of his body kept Watari in place.

_I must have done it like this._

Tatsumi swallowed back on the sick feeling spreading through him. He would never remember what had happened, but this position...

Watari just looked at him with wide eyes, breath coming in short pants, and not all of was because he was turned on. There was a deeply emotional turmoil in those eyes, the fight of love against terror, the memories flooding him, and Tatsumi was crying inside.

"Taka..."

_Oh gods, please..._

"Move. Do it, Seii. Do it..."

Tatsumi hesitated, and Watari clenched his muscles around him again, making him shiver and groan with the renewed sensation.

"Please, move. Seii, please...!"

"All right. Okay..."

Bending down he claimed the blond's lips, feeling Watari tremble underneath him, and he ran a tentative tongue over the well-known lips, teasing coaxing them open, asking for entrance. Watari didn't respond at first and Tatsumi was about to pull back, but then, his lover made a strangled little noise in the back of his throat, a mixture between sob and moanand then Tatsumi was met with full blown Watari erotic ferocity.

Watari pulled him into him in every sense of the word. Tatsumi let go of Watari's wrists, running his hands over the supple body beneath him, holding back with as much effort as he was able to muster at this state.

"Gods, Taka... I love you so much... " he whispered before he claimed Watari's lips again, feeling the body beneath his tremble with the force.

It was their first time all over again. But not like it at all. This was so very, very different. So much hang in balance here.

"Seii... yes... now..." Watari groaned, weaving his hands into his hair to pull him down again.

The kiss silenced both their screams of completion.

tbc...


	14. part 14

Tatsumi just lay there, breathing slowly returning to normal, feeling the thump of another heartbeat against his chest slowing down like his own. Looking up he met the somewhat hazy golden eyes of his lover. 

"Hey," he smiled.

"Hey yourself," Watari whispered, arms closing around him as he pulled him down into another lazy kiss.

Tatsumi rested his head on the blond's chest, reveling in the soft texture of the skin, the scent that was pure Watari, or the gentle strokes of the beloved hands on his backall these things he had missed for far too long.

He sighed with pleasure.

"Taka?" he murmured.

"Hm?" came the lazy reply.

"Why did you do this?"

The wandering hands stopped for a second.

"What do you mean?"

"You were... provoking me. Like trying to, I don't know, push me over a limit?"

There was no answer, and Tatsumi looked up again.

"Did you... recreate it, in some way?"

Watari evaded his eyes as he nodded slowly, and Tatsumi felt his heart clench painfully.

"So this was what it was like."

_Oh dear gods..._ He had held him down, immobilized him, had him at his mercy... and then there had been the shadows, too. It must have been a nightmare...

The blond head jerked around.

"No! No, not at all. I... you weren't... that hadn't been you... but you are now... you're you, and... Seii, I didn't plan to. It just... happened, but..."

He silenced him with a gentle finger on the runaway mouth.

"Are you reassured now? You wanted to push me to see if I... could do something to you."

There was a soft exhalation of air. "It wasn't an experiment."

"No?"

"Experiments are done in a controlled environment," Watari said softly. "I wasn't in control. I just needed... I had to go past that wall, that barrier... and I had to look beyond... and I had to see if... I could do this again... if I could last through it without chickening out."

"If I could hurt you while in the throes of pleasure?" Tatsumi inquired carefully.

Watari nodded jerkily.

"Never, Taka. Not in my right mind. I love you too much. I could never hurt you. Never intentionally. And it wasn't your fault."

"I know."

Watari shifted a little and hissed, and Tatsumi realized with little amusement he was still deeply sheathed inside his lover. He kissed the slender neck and moved carefully, sliding free. Watari gave a moan of loss and turned into his embrace.

"I'd never hurt you, 'Taka. You're my life. I love you," Tatsumi repeated, voice muffled by the golden strands.

"I know. I know that, Seii. Now I do. And I want to repeat this. Again and again. I want to be with you."

Those wide eyes showed so many emotions, Tatsumi felt like he was drowning.

"And I want you to tell me if you want me, too. I know what you've done the past weeks," Watari went on. "I'm thankful for it. But this isn't the solution. You have needs, too, Seii. Tell me. Don't just wait for me to make the first step. Kiss me, touch me..."

And he kissed him. Pulling him close, Tatsumi kissed his partner, holding him flush against him.

"I promise, 'Taka. I promise."

"This takes two to make it work. Two to heal." Watari caressed his cheek. "You were hurt just as much as I was. I understand that now. You don't know what happened..." He hesitated, then plunged forward, "but I do. We can only make this work if we work together."

Tatsumi nodded. "And we will. We have all the time in the world."

There was a soft hooting from the wardrobe and Tatsumi chuckled. "She's a little voyeur, hm?"

"Wonder where she got that from," was the mumbled answer as sleepy eyes fell on the tiny owl. "Her having been an angel once..."

"Must be your good influence, Taka."

That got him a snort. "Riiiight."

Tatsumi laughed and pulled the blanket more around them.

It felt so good. So very, very good. They still had a long way to go and the memories could only fade, never disappear, but he knew they were going into the right direction.

They drifted off into a light doze and Tatsumi was woken by a gentle caress and a pair of tender lips.

"Seii?" Watari whispered.

"Hm?"

The blond head was pillowed on his shoulder, one arm around his chest, and he was unable to look into the expressive eyes.

"I... want to tell you something?"

That got his attention.

"Do you remember Fujikama?"

"Yes. The case." And the devil after Watari's soul... 003 being an angel... all that stuff.

"The case. And you know I knew him."

It wasn't a question. Watari had told him back then that he had once known Fujikama Yukihito, that they had been lovers, and that the man had used Watari.

"Yes?"

Watari exhaled softly. "There's more to it."

More?

His tension grew.

"We were lovers, but... not like the two of us. Not anything close to it. Back then I believed it was love because I knew nothing else... but Yuki... he liked things... rough."

Tatsumi froze and as Watari continued, his voice soft, slightly monotonous, detailing what the man had done to the young student, he was thankful for the fact that Fujikama was already gone.

He would have torn the man apart.

"Seii?"

The soft, tremulous question drew him out of his murderous thoughts, and he looked into the wide eyes of his lover. Wide and filled with fear.

Fear?

"Why didn't you tell me that before?"

Those eyes evaded him. "I... kinda forgot."

"Forgot?"

How could anyone forget this? Yuki had used and abused him!

"Yes..." was the hesitant answer.

"But you told me about Yuki, about how you met, that you became lovers, that he killed you... and you forgot that part?"

"Y-yes..." Watari swallowed hard. "I... was ashamed. I was afraid what you would think of me." He laughed wryly. "Here I am, fifty years dead... and I'm afraid of something menial like that."

"It wasn't menial!"

And they all had become shinigami for a reason. Not because of a happy life but because of a pain that refused to go away. Tatsumi knew that only too well.

Then it hit him again. Fear. Afraid.

"You were afraid of me?"

"Of what you would think of me. Of how you would perceive me... afterwards."

"'Taka..."

"Do you... still love me, Seii?" Watari asked hesitantly.

What!

"Of course I do! Why do you think otherwise?"

"He used me," Watari whispered, lowering his eyes. "He made me into his toy... and he told me he loved me for it. He told me I was good... and that it was supposed to be this way... and I believed him. I feel... dirty sometimes."

"No, Taka, no!" Tatsumi sat up, embracing his younger lover, pulling the unresisting form against him. "No, you're not. I love you. With your past and everything. And knowing what I do now... I admire you."

"W-what?"

"You survived, 'Taka. All of that. And you can still love. You love me. I'm so thankful for it. For you love."

Watari swallowed. "You mean that?"

"Every word. I love you for what you are."

The younger shinigami gazed at the mattress. "What I am...? What am I, Seii? It all started again with this case," he said softly, as if talking to himself. "With seeing Yuki again. I had it all pushed aside, locked up, and here he was, dragging it into the light again. I relived it all... and suddenly I started looking at our relationship. Even before the... incident. I was the one who approached you, Seii. I was the one who threw himself at you, offered himself... and I wondered where the difference was to Yuki. I wondered if I was still so very much conditioned."

"'Taka..."

"He made me," Watari whispered harshly. "He conditioned me. My responses... I questioned everything sometimes. You, us... You're a powerful man, Seii, and maybe I was just projecting Yuki onto you, gave myself to you because of those conditioned responses."

"No, 'Taka, no!" Tatsumi interrupted him. "You didn't."

"How do you know?" the blond demanded.

"I do. Ours isn't that kind of relationship. This isn't about power and submission. This is about love, our love, not what Fujikama tried to tell you is such an emotion. I never forced you, I never tried to bend your will to mine. If anything, you changed me. You instigated it all because I would never have done it on my own. I was..."

"Shy?" Watari whispered, a slight smile on his lips.

Tatsumi snorted. "Well, yes... no... I was just... careful. Because I was afraid, too. I'm still afraid. Afraid to lose you, 'Taka. Because I love you so much."

He cupped the narrow face and held the expressive eyes.

"How about we make a deal, Watari Yutaka? Whenever one of us feels like talking, we talk. All of this is the past. It's a part of us. It's what made us into who and what we are. We all carry pain and nightmares, but we don't have to carry them alone. Maybe I have questions again, about you... your past ... about this... and I want us to be able to talk. Just talk... I don't want to forget about this, but let's just see what the future brings."

Watari covered Tatsumi's hands with his own. "Deal," he whispered.

"Thank you," Tatsumi whispered and kissed him.

Snuggling against him, Watari caressed his sides. "Seii?" he asked after a while, sounding relaxed.

"Hm?"

"I've got a question."

Tatsumi tensed a little, steeling himself. "Yes?"

"These Brussels sprouts... you really like to eat that stuff? Stink and bitterness and all?"

And he laughed. It was a little chuckle that turned into a free laughter. Hugging Watari close he kissed the tousled head.

"Yes, 'Taka, my love, I do. Stink and bitterness and all."

Watari gave him a deep sigh. "Oh, okay."

He buried his face in the wavy curls. "But you don't have to cook it for me. It's not like I need it to survive."

"Now you tell me?" came the outraged cry.

And Tatsumi laughed more as he was pounced.

° ° °

"All right, so you agree to do what I'd like?" Watari asked, eyes shining, face lit up by a bright smile.

There he was, standing in Tatsumi's office, dressed in his habitual lab coat, the black turtleneck and with that mischievous expression in his eyes. Tatsumi didn't know whether to be afraid or just indulge in the so normal sight of his lover.

Four months had passed since the incident. Four months in which they had begun their relationship again, in which there had been so many downs, Tatsumi had barely dared to believe in an 'up' again.

But they had made it.

With the help of their friends and the continuous support of Hisoka, who regularly still met with Watari. It did his lover a world of good and Tatsumi didn't know how he could ever repay this.

"Thinking of it," he now mused out loud, "we've never had a real date. How about it, Watari Yutaka?"

"You're asking me out? Officially?"

Watari's eyes sparkled with delight as he grinned at his lover, and for a brief second Tatsumi doubted it had been such a good idea. On the other hand  they hadn't had a real date before. And this was... like starting all over again.

"Yes, I'm asking you out."

"Cool. And I have just the right event in mind for it. I'll pick you up at seven tonight, Seii. Dress for the occasion."

Watari was halfway out the door of the office, a bounce in his step.

"What do you mean, you pick me up? Isn't that supposed to be my part since I'm the one who asked you out?" Tatsumi called, flabbergasted.

"You can do it next time. Tonight is my turn."

A long wet kiss landed on his lips before Watari was off again, leaving a slightly bewildered Tatsumi behind. Just the right event? And what did he mean by dress for the occasion'?

° ° °

When his door bell rang at precisely seven, Tatsumi couldn't hide the smile of amusement. It Watari could just be as punctual when it came to work related issues... opening the door the next thing he had to do was catching his jaw to prevent him from hitting the floor at the sight of the appearance that was standing before him.

Damn, but that man knew how to wear a tux... black tuxedo, crisp white shirt that looked as if it was made of silk and a dark burgundy cummerbund over a pair of black pants that were hugging his behind just the right way.

"So that's what you meant with dress nicely? I think I'm a little underdressed for this - occasion."

"A little." Watari's eyes sparkled with mischief as he bent forward and stole a kiss. "But I forgive you. Want to change?"

"Hn. Since I have no idea to where you intend to kidnap me, I think I better."

"I'll give you five minutes."

Tatsumi almost laughed. It felt so good. It was so wonderful to be doing this, to have Watari back in his life, he was about to agree to anything and everything, go wherever Watari wanted to go...

Leaving his apartment exactly ten minutes later, Tatsumi found a taxi already waiting for them.

"Now, where do you take me 'Taka?"

"You just wait and see, Seii. But I bet you'll like it."

Tatsumi was in for the next shock of the evening when he realized what it' was.

"'Taka, what... ?"

"It's a vernissage, koibito. And just look at the title." Watari grinned from one ear to the other when Tatsumi read the title"Eros".

"You're taking me to a vernissage of erotic art?" he coughed, looking at his lover who took two glasses of offered champagne nonchalantly.

"No."

"No?"

"No." Lips neared his ear and he shivered with the breathed kiss that Watari placed on his neck.

"I'm taking you to a vernissage of gay erotic art."

And then he was pulled into the gallery, unable to resist, unable to fight it, and he didn't even want to.

_Wherever you go, I'll go with you, Yutaka._


End file.
